Parenting is a voyage through ever-changing waters. Some days, the seas are peaceful and calm. Others are stormy, filled with tears, fears, frustrations, and meltdowns.
In stressful moments, we may feel overwhelmed, unable to respond with patience and understanding.
We may engage in heated negotiations like a lawyer, or issue harsh commands like a dictator. And while we may get temporary cooperation by promising dessert or threatening to take away the iPad, neither approach contributes to the secure foundation that helps children thrive.
What kids need in difficult moments is our calm presence as the Captain of the ship, meeting the moment with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
Triggered by our Child’s Upsets
Unfortunately, staying calm in the heat of the moment is easier said than done. Our emotional reactions are shaped by our childhood experiences -- old wounds and unconscious patterns that rise to the surface when our child’s behavior challenges us.
If we felt unheard growing up, it can trigger anger, or even rage, when our child ignores a request. If we were controlled or dismissed as a child, their refusal to respect limits we've set may feel intolerable.
It takes self-reflective work to heal the wounded parts that take over us when old hurts become activated. Doing that work helps us show up more consistently as the soothing presence that co-regulates our child when they've become upset.
Co-Regulation: The Heart of Emotional Safety
Regulation isn’t something children can learn by being told to calm down or "use your words." Instead, an upset child borrows our regulated state, which--over time--helps them develop a capacity to self-regulate.
When we're the Captain of the ship, we see our child’s outbursts not as personal attacks, but as signals of distress, alerting us to their need for emotional balance.
Their nervous systems take cues from ours as we offer our reassuring presence: "I’ve got you. I can handle this storm. We’ll get through it together.”
Fewer power struggles
Children resist our requests when we’re functioning as a dictator who demands obedience. Nor do they feel safe with a parent who pleads for cooperation. But natural instincts to cooperate are activated when they feel safe, connected, and supported.
As we become more skilled at being that calm Captain of the ship, we have fewer power struggles. Parenting feels less like a battle for control and more like a journey of connection, with more joy, ease, and laughter in our lives.
Raising Resilient Adults
Children grow into resilient adults when we help them learn to navigate the frustrations and disappointments that are an inevitable part of life.
We're better able to offer that help when we do the work of examining our triggers, healing old wounds, and cultivating self-awareness. And in our calm, steady presence, they find safe harbor, no matter how stormy the seas may become.
~~~~
Susan Stiffelman has been a teacher and family therapist for 40 years. Her work draws upon neuroscience, Polyvagal Theory, Internal Family Systems, attachment theory, The Work of Byron Katie and much more.
For the first time in years, Susan will be offering an in-person workshop for parents in Ojai, California on March 1st, 2025. Parents who are interested in learning to be the calm, confident Captain of the ship are encouraged to attend. For more information, please visit susanstiffelman.com/ojai-workshop.
In stressful moments, we may feel overwhelmed, unable to respond with patience and understanding.
We may engage in heated negotiations like a lawyer, or issue harsh commands like a dictator. And while we may get temporary cooperation by promising dessert or threatening to take away the iPad, neither approach contributes to the secure foundation that helps children thrive.
What kids need in difficult moments is our calm presence as the Captain of the ship, meeting the moment with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
Triggered by our Child’s Upsets
Unfortunately, staying calm in the heat of the moment is easier said than done. Our emotional reactions are shaped by our childhood experiences -- old wounds and unconscious patterns that rise to the surface when our child’s behavior challenges us.
If we felt unheard growing up, it can trigger anger, or even rage, when our child ignores a request. If we were controlled or dismissed as a child, their refusal to respect limits we've set may feel intolerable.
It takes self-reflective work to heal the wounded parts that take over us when old hurts become activated. Doing that work helps us show up more consistently as the soothing presence that co-regulates our child when they've become upset.
Co-Regulation: The Heart of Emotional Safety
Regulation isn’t something children can learn by being told to calm down or "use your words." Instead, an upset child borrows our regulated state, which--over time--helps them develop a capacity to self-regulate.
When we're the Captain of the ship, we see our child’s outbursts not as personal attacks, but as signals of distress, alerting us to their need for emotional balance.
Their nervous systems take cues from ours as we offer our reassuring presence: "I’ve got you. I can handle this storm. We’ll get through it together.”
Fewer power struggles
Children resist our requests when we’re functioning as a dictator who demands obedience. Nor do they feel safe with a parent who pleads for cooperation. But natural instincts to cooperate are activated when they feel safe, connected, and supported.
As we become more skilled at being that calm Captain of the ship, we have fewer power struggles. Parenting feels less like a battle for control and more like a journey of connection, with more joy, ease, and laughter in our lives.
Raising Resilient Adults
Children grow into resilient adults when we help them learn to navigate the frustrations and disappointments that are an inevitable part of life.
We're better able to offer that help when we do the work of examining our triggers, healing old wounds, and cultivating self-awareness. And in our calm, steady presence, they find safe harbor, no matter how stormy the seas may become.
~~~~
Susan Stiffelman has been a teacher and family therapist for 40 years. Her work draws upon neuroscience, Polyvagal Theory, Internal Family Systems, attachment theory, The Work of Byron Katie and much more.
For the first time in years, Susan will be offering an in-person workshop for parents in Ojai, California on March 1st, 2025. Parents who are interested in learning to be the calm, confident Captain of the ship are encouraged to attend. For more information, please visit susanstiffelman.com/ojai-workshop.