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Years ago, I did a summit or a series on co-parenting without power struggles. We had some great people speaking on fascinating topics like Glennon Doyle and Byron Katie and Harville Hendricks, but it turned out that one of the most popular sessions was one I did with Wendy Behary on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Wendy is the author of Disarming the Narcissist, Surviving and Thriving with the Self Absorbed. And that session really apparently was so needed by so many who listened. We ended up developing classes and now we have a monthly membership specifically around co-parenting with a narcissist because the need is so great.

So in today's episode, you're going to hear me talking about this question. Am I parenting with a narcissist? It's going to be a really interesting conversation so I encourage you to tune in if you or someone you know is struggling with a co-parenting partner who doesn't seem able to just work together cooperatively to raise your children.

Now remember, Just want to say this up front, just because someone is difficult to get along with or temperamental or hot tempered does not make them a narcissist. They can be selfish and self absorbed, it doesn't mean they're a narcissist. That word has been used, overused in our culture. And of course, co-parenting can be hard for all parents because you come from different backgrounds, you have different orientations and philosophies about parenting.

But if you're navigating a relationship with a narcissistic co-parent, it can really wreak havoc on your life. So that is the topic of today's episode. First, hi, I'm Susan Stiffelman. You're listening To the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm a family therapist. I have been for over 40 years and there's lots of material at my website if you want to know more about my work, SusanStiffelman.com. There you can find a lot of classes with partners like Dr. Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, and Dr. Gabor Mate among many others. You can also get my free newsletter. And you'll get lots of helpful offerings and support as well as find out more about my membership programs. Let's get started though.

This is such an important topic. I offer a lot of programs and classes on everything from chores and homework to helping anxious or sensitive children thrive. But the topic that has sadly proven to be of huge need are the classes and the monthly membership that we have on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Again, That word is tossed around pretty casually in pop culture and on social media narcissism is not just a term that, that's meant to be used for somebody you don't like very much or you can't get along with. There are very specific criteria for someone to be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder and of course I would never diagnose someone You know, casually just by reading through a checklist, but a few of the characteristics are they believe they're special and only understood by high status people, they need a lot of admiration, they can have a very strong sense of entitlement and exploit others for their personal gain.

And one characteristic that really plays out in the parenting space is a lack of empathy for others. So this inability to actually tune in to not only your needs as the co-parent, but the needs of your children. These traits can cause significant distress in all areas of your life, as well as impacting your children pretty significantly without any intervention.

And this is why we often tell parents in our community, our member community, if you can be the one healthy, stable, secure parent, your kids will come through far better. than if they're just left trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense, because the narcissist is quite exploitative of their children and often uses guilt both with the kids and with you.

They, you'll frequently have arguments and power struggles with them. They may turn your kids against you or undermine your authority. It's just exhausting. So I'm sharing some of this with you because I'm in preparation for a class I'm doing. later this week and of course that will be available as a replay for a very low cost.

I think it's 19. And I'm going to do a deep dive into, am I co-parenting with a narcissist? That's actually the title of the class because a lot of the people who hear the term either don't understand The significance, if you're trying to engage or enlist the cooperation or the empathy or the kind of reasonableness of someone with legitimate narcissistic personality disorder, then tactics that you're likely using like begging, explaining, bribing, shaming, yelling, arguing, they're not likely working.

And the problem. It's a huge problem for anyone who has narcissistic family members in their life. But in particular, because your children are caught in the middle and much of the conventional wisdom about narcissists is that if you're married to one, partnered with on, with one, in a business relationship with one and you're daily frustrated and exhausted.

And. At your wit's end, walk away, you will not change them. And that is good advice when it's possible, but for those of you who are raising a child with someone who is narcissistic, you can't walk away. In fact, your kids really need you to stay engaged and involved. Oftentimes you're sharing custody, so your kids are a certain percentage of the time with the other parent and then you're doing kind of recovery or repair.

for whatever they might have experienced. I'm going to share with you just a couple of the questions that have come in over the years. We have a monthly, Wendy Beharie and I have a monthly co pairing with a narcissist membership community. And I wanted to read you a few of the questions just to maybe normalize for some of you what you're going through.

So here's one, of course, I'm not going to mention the names. We're very guarded and protective of people's privacy. We don't ever say anyone's name and we change details, but this is someone writing about their partner who they are still living with, I believe, in this situation because oftentimes the parent who, the, it's hard to know whether you're better off leaving, which might preserve your sanity and health and reduce your stress, but some parents feel that they can't leave for a variety of reasons.

This parent triggers easily, becomes intimidating, aggressive, angry, raises his voice, points his finger in the children's faces, and scolds them for bad behavior however he deems it. It's usually when our five year old feels scared by his dysregulated behavior and his fear comes out as name calling. And then other times, he just You know, screams in their face and I will say, no, we don't yell at the kids like that.

Please take a break. And this gets me, the parent getting yelled at in front of the kids getting upset because we're arguing. So it just spins out of control. Another parent writes to say we've been divorced for five years. My children's father keeps taking me back to court, typical Disneyland dad who has addiction issues and gambling, but a family who protects and enables him.

We barely talk. At times he appears to be a good dad, but not long ago the child landed in the hospital because he didn't get appropriate medical treatment. You never know what version of him you're going to get. And then another parent says, my kids frequently don't tell me they don't want to go to their dad's house when he's on his way to pick them up.

When he gets to my house, they start crying, saying they don't want to go, which breaks my heart. Sometimes I have to physically pick them up and put them in his car. Their dad ignores it, pretends it's not an issue. I struggle to know how to respond since I understand their feelings and I want them to be heard, but I am legally incapable of changing the situation.

These are really heartbreaking scenarios. And what we often tell the parents in our community is there are obviously no simple answers because you've got a legal system at play and many attorneys and judges don't see the narcissistic side of a co-parent. So the custody arrangement may not reflect some of what you're experiencing on a day to day basis.

Really today, I just wanted to plant a couple of seeds if you've been trying to enlist your co-parents cooperation or explain why it's not in your children's best interest for you guys to, argue and debate, the harm that might be caused when he says he's going to pick them up and doesn't show up or you're trying to Send him articles or send her articles or teach your co-parent why it's wrong to lock a child in a bathroom when they've, spoken back to you on their own behalf or tried to defend or explain themselves.

We have parents who report that their co-parent will, deny their child a meal and dinner if they don't get 100 percent on a test. Now, of course, we're talking about borderline child abuse and there are times when issues have to be reported. But. With the less severe issues, a parent who disregards a child's, request for contact and comfort or refuses to let a child call their other parent at bedtime, hands over devices to the child and just has them occupied with them the entire time that they're together rather than engaging, won't help a child with homework, won't authorize therapy when it's needed.

There are so many. situations where a parent feels that their hands are tied. If that's your situation, I really encourage you to attend this session that I'm going to do. I've never done anything quite like it. It's just a an introduction, but also we're going to come up with. A plan and this is the thing that, has been effective for me in some of my more recent classes that it's not just sharing information, but we have a checklist that we're going to work with you to help you get clear about whether you're dealing with a narcissistic co-parent or just someone that you don't get along with, or who was angry or hurt at you and resentful, or may not have the best people skills.

So we're going to work through the checklist and then we're going to help you identify which. Challenge to start with and develop a game plan. I just want to close by saying A few words of, I hope, of comfort. Remember that your kids have you. And if you are growing as a parent, which you obviously are, because you're listening to this podcast and probably others, you're probably taking in information and looking for solutions and options and guidance.

If they have a stable parent, then they're already on their way to not being as negatively impact by having a narcissistic co-parent, if indeed that applies in your situation, but knowledge is power. The more you can learn about what you're dealing with, why your co-parent might be so incredibly challenging and difficult and Creating so much chaos and drama for you, how to actually implement strategies to reduce the stress on you, which in turn your kids benefit from, but also how to mitigate the impact on your kids and stop trying the same thing over and over again.

That isn't working. I encourage you to check it out, but. But also take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. Many parents are just now discovering that part of what has made their co-parenting lives so difficult, whether they are still living under the same roof or they're co-parenting in two different homes, is that their co-parent, the person who they originally thought, this is a great person, I can't wait to have children with them or at least you thought it would work out differently than it has, this is a very common predicament.

Narcissists are really good at getting what they want. And if they wanted you, then the side of them that you're probably seeing now was nowhere present when they were pursuing you. And this is what, many parents feel, how could I have fallen into this? How did I end up in this situation?

Please know that again, you're not alone. It's very common that, especially if you're more sensitive or empathic, that you can Feel both flattered by the attention, the love bombing that a narcissist delivers when they're in pursuit, but also, oh, I can help them there. They just are wounded and I can help improve and enrich their lives.

So there's a lot to explore here. I hope I've piqued your interest. And again, if you know someone who is. in this predicament who you think might be really struggling with a co-parent and it's not getting better and they've tried everything. Please share this episode with them and you can find out more about the upcoming class or the recording of the class at my website SusanStiffelman.com. And now as we wrap up, as I always like to do, take a moment, take a breath, acknowledge yourself for being here, especially this difficult topic. If you're listening with an extra pair of ears or extra interest because You're identifying with some of the things I've said and hand on your heart, please honor and acknowledge yourself, the difficulties you face, the effort you're making for your children.

I appreciate you being here. Thank you. Thank you for trying to improve your situation, break old patterns, and raise healthy, compassionate, resilient kids. So remember, no matter how busy life gets, Look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I'll see you next time.