Speaker 1:

Hi there. Welcome to Parenting Without Power Struggles, the podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman and I'm so glad that you're here. Really, the podcast is just a chance for us to sort of virtually spend a little time together talking about one of my favorite topics, which is raising kind, compassionate, confident children. And if you're not familiar with my work, please check it out susanstiffelman.com. So many great resources are available to you there, including information about my classes. I have over 40 deep dive classes on all kinds of topics. My Parenting Without Power Struggles Membership Program, and the Co-Parenting with a Narcissist Membership program. Lots of great information there. Please check it out susanstiffelman.com. I wanted to jump into today's episode 'cause I'm really keen to share a few thoughts about the holidays as we head into the holidays. I'm really reflecting a lot on the year that we've just come through and on how I wanna use this time, these next few weeks of December, early January to recover, to restore, to replenish and recharge.

Speaker 1:

And you know, I've been thinking a lot about it and about pacing and about rest. You know, once upon a time, the holidays were kind of thought to be a time when people refilled their tank at the end of the year. You know, there seemed to be some kind of an, a collective agreement that all the activities that we'd been through, all the comings and goings of our obligations with work and school and getting kids here and there, and classes and commitments and obligations, and all of those things were gonna kind of wind down. And people could just catch their breath. They could spend time with loved ones, they could spend time with themself. They might travel, take a little trip, or just relax around the fire, <laugh> literally or figuratively, make music, read nap, play board games, draw all the things that are just part of being a human being.

Speaker 1:

Those those ways that we kind of recharge ourself, refill our tanks. And now it just seems like our culture is this 24 7 always on, and we're always plugged in. Our phone is never more than for most people, a few inches away from them. And that practice of really kind of gathering ourselves up again and slowing down and moving at a more human pace seems to be at risk of becoming a thing of the past. So here are some thoughts that I have because I do really love working and I love technology and I love checking my email. And, you know, I'm not so much a, a big fan of social media, but I know lots of people get a lot out of it. So there's no judgment here, there's no right or wrong. I'm just wanting to share some observations that I've made and then how those things have played out for me personally, because I'm about to start my yearly, well, bi-annually is that the right word?

Speaker 1:

Bi-Annually, twice a year. <Laugh>, I'm never quite sure, but twice a year I unplug for, in the summer, it's usually two to three weeks. And in the winter around this time of year, it's at least three weeks, sometimes three and a half. What do I mean by that? I still have my cell phone. I still text my loved ones and I might look up a phone number on my phone, but basically my computer gets closed down. It's off. I don't go on to just check this or just look up that, or just find out who that actor was or just, you know, comment on something or work on something. I am pretty fierce about guarding this time, and here's why. I have seen what happens on both sides of this coin. I have seen myself get so tethered to my device, my computer checking, you know, you drop in for a minute to just check on a couple of things, and it's now two hours later and you're <laugh> looking at a walking tour of Venice, Italy, or how to make a macrame wall hanging.

Speaker 1:

It just has this perpetual stimulation that is so enticing. And if you were part of my Tech-Wise Parenting Summit, I did this amazing summit that was so interesting and valuable for so many of us who learned from wonderful, wonderful people. In September there were like 22, 23 interviews, and the theme of that, a lot of the conversations with the various psychologists and researchers and clinicians had to do with what happens when we're on our computer. The dopamine that gets released that is so pleasurable. So it's no wonder that once we open the computer, we're down the rabbit hole. And again, no judgment about it, it's just how it's meant to operate, and it does its job very well. So when I get ready for this time, which will happen in a couple of days, I'll shut everything off. There's a part of me that's a little bit anxious because I have a long list of things to accomplish, and they, most of them involve opening my laptop.

Speaker 1:

Being online, it's just easy, it's efficient, it's fun, it's creative, it's stimulating. But I've also seen what happens when I take that time off that I feel that I come back into myself in a way that nothing else can accomplish or achieve. So the first day or two are a little bit hard, honestly, because there's that impulse, there's that habit to go to my computer and just open a browser and start looking for something or getting something done. But after a few days, I watch my nervous system settle down. I see myself more, almost like the colors are brighter. Bird song is more noticeable. I have more energy and availability just not just with time, but in terms of my mental and emotional presence and, and I feel that I can just be more connected to the life in front of me and less distracted by that constant, constant pull.

Speaker 1:

Even as you're listening to this, I might invite you to, to do this as you're listening to me right now. Is there a part of you that wants to check your phone? Is there a part of you that wants to check your email? Is there a part of you building a case for why you should simultaneously listen to this and check your phone or your email? And if you have to do that, please do. It's not, I'm not, again, judging anyone. I do it myself, I understand it. But the more we can observe that part of us that is in perpetual motion, that is always reaching for a little bit more stimulation, a little bit more kind of input, that part when I go offline for a few weeks, gets quiet, it settles down, and I feel like I'm back in a rhythm that feels much more human, much more comfortable, much more, I don't know, just how we're wired.

Speaker 1:

You know, the, the human brain doesn't change ra rapidly. So the fact that we are now turning to our device hundreds of times a day is a very new phenomena. And that level of input that we receive, the level of stimulation can quickly become overstimulation overload, information overload. It can become overwhelming and it can tax our nervous system quite a bit. So I'm not here to say everybody should do what I'm doing. Most people aren't in a position to take off three weeks. I have a wonderful assistant who keeps things going in my business and my work, but we do let people know we're not really super responsive during the holidays and those final couple of weeks. But even taking off a few hours or a day or two can be so restorative that I just wanted to touch on that and invite people to consider it.

Speaker 1:

I'll tell you a little bit of a story. Many years ago I rented my house out and took my then almost 15-year-old son on a trip around the world. It was something I had dreamed up. I thought, if I'm ever gonna get to do this with him, this is gonna be the time I wanted to kinda lift him out of the, the world that we were in. It was a lovely world and wonderful community, but it was, you know, kind of surreal in a way. It wasn't representative of how most of the world lives. It was an affluent community, a lot of privilege. And I wanted him to have the visceral experience of knowing what it is to be a human on this earth without having gotten the roll of the dice in terms of fortunate, you know, access to things that we had that most people really don't have.

Speaker 1:

And also, I wanted to have that time with him before he was no longer interested in having that kind of a trip with his mom. So we started out in Africa, and amazingly we got to spend time at a chimp sanctuary that rescued orphan chimpanzees. It was quite a phenomenal, I can't even begin to describe how incredible this experience was. We stayed in a little tent on the island. There were only two other guests there, and there was a small staff of maybe three or four. And then there were the orphan chimpanzees. We were allowed to actually spend time with the chimpanzees. That's a whole other story. It was a, a a once in a lifetime experience, just like I really just reflecting on, it can't even put into words how beautiful it was, but one of the things that really stood out for me and stayed with me, the entirety of that trip, which was all together about 10 weeks, was the level of presence I felt from the staff.

Speaker 1:

There. There was a, I still can picture this man who was talking to me about what we were gonna do when we were gonna have the meal that they were preparing simple meal in a tent. But the way he looked at me and we're talking now over 15 years ago was so with, was so present. He was so all the way there, there was such a softness in his eyes and such a, a kindness and such a I'm all here kind of experience. And it's certainly not that I'd never had that before or that I haven't had that experience with people since. But there was something so pure about it that it colored my experience in traveling and being with the people that we were meeting for the remainder of that trip. And it really left a strong impact and impression on me. And has ever since that, when I'm unplugged, I feel more available to give that to the people around me to be all there, to not have my mind partly pulled towards, gee, I wonder if I got a reply to that email.

Speaker 1:

Or, I wonder if people have commented on that post. There's a a way that we sacrifice ourselves and divide and split ourselves, our, our attention, our presence when we're pulled, pulled, pulled, when there's that constant nagging pull of technology. So my point here again, is just to invite you to consider what it would take, what it would feel like to take a day or two over these holidays to simply slow down unplug, even if it's just for a few hours, and drop into a pace of living and being in the world that is just gentler. That's a little bit more in sync with how we're wired, our, our original wiring, not the adaptations we've made to kind of keep up and see what happens. Notice if you can be a little bit more present with the people around you. Notice if your breathing slows down, if it's less adrenalized by all the kind of hyperstimulation that comes at us.

Speaker 1:

And notice how it feels to make space for things. Like, for me, it's gonna be playing the ukulele. I'm learning the ukulele and I'm learning, I'm taking an art class and learning how to draw and paint a little bit for you, it might be making a bit of music, it might be learning a tap dance, or it might be doing some gardening or baking something, inventing a new recipe. It doesn't matter really what it is, but that we access and give space for, give room for those creative impulses that live inside of us that are so often denied because we're so on, we're so pulled by whatever technology has to offer at any given moment. So those are just some of the thoughts I wanted to share with you as we move into the holidays. I have a, a wonderful friend. She is a psychologist, Robin Poin.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna try and get her on for one of our episodes, but I was spending some time with her recently. She's in her eighties and we had the loveliest visit. And she is got this beautiful, beautiful saying, and the saying is so simple, but I'm gonna share it with you and perhaps you can write it down or keep, keep it close to your heart. The saying is, rest is a sacred act. Rest is a sacred act. So I hope you can give yourself that sacred act, that respect, that love, that care, that compassion toward yourself as well as your family by just catching your breath, recharging and allowing yourself time to kind of settle down a little bit over these holidays. I wish you the very, very happiest, most peaceful, loving, healthy year ahead. And remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well and take care and I'll see you next time.