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Welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. As a family therapist, teacher, and parent coach for over 40 years, I've helped thousands of families raise kids with more connection and ease. and fewer power struggles.

And I get to share some of what I've learned with you here. In this series we talk about real parenting struggles and practical ways to address them based on decades of experience and study in attachment theory, neuroscience, internal family systems, mindfulness, polyvagal theory, and of course decades of clinical practice.

You'll hear conversations with guests like Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, Tina Bryson, Ned Hallowell, and many others, along with episodes where I answer questions from parents like you. At the heart of my work is a commitment to helping you be the calm, steady, loving, captain of the ship for your children and teens.

Managing dysregulation, your kids and your own, so that you can raise confident, resilient kids who feel safe, seen, and heard. Secure and open to your loving support. You can find out more about my work at SusanStiffelman.com where you can explore a library of masterclasses on everything from meltdowns and chores to helping anxious and sensitive children thrive along with lots of other wonderful parenting resources.

Now let's get started.  In today's episode, we're going to talk about something I consider absolutely vital to raising strong, resilient, compassionate humans.

And that's helping kids tune in to their own wisdom and instincts so they can think for themselves. If you've ever had a child ask you, What should I do?  about something that you know they could figure out on their own, or if they're constantly second guessing themselves, this episode's for you.  So many kids have gotten used to looking outside of themselves for answers.

In fact, so many adults have. Especially with Google and artificial intelligence, very happy to provide us with answers. And while it's great to have outside input, a sounding board, especially when it comes from people who genuinely care about us, if our kids don't get lots of opportunities to practice tuning into their own instincts, They will not develop the confidence to trust themselves, which makes them extremely vulnerable to the influence of others who may not have their best interests at heart or who may have their own agenda, whether it's their friends and peers, social media, or it's inaccurate information that's being presented in the form of factual news.

So  today we're going to talk about how we as parents can step back. In just the right way so our kids can step up and really start making decisions with confidence. Let's dive in.  I want to just touch on some of the things that happen when kids learn to check in with themselves instead of always looking for external direction.

We know the kids, they can't even jump off the diving board without making sure you're watching, or they can't make the simplest decision about which shirt to wear because they just get paralyzed with indecisiveness. When kids learn to check in with themselves, they become more discriminating thinkers.

This is a huge one. They're better able to detect and maybe be less vulnerable to information or input that's presented maybe in a really emotional way that's supposed to, designed to sway them to a certain point of view, but they detect it more quickly and they're more resistant or inoculated against being influenced just by strong emotion.

When kids learn to check in with themselves, they develop more confidence in their choices, so they second guess themselves less, they feel more in control of their own lives, and by the way, this is one of the ingredients to prevent depression, because when we feel completely helpless, it can lead to other emotional kind of declines, where we just feel, what's the point, and we're, we aren't happy and strong and joyful.

When we help our kids learn to check in with themselves, they become better problem solvers because they're learning how to think critically. So they're not just, again, at a complete loss or going blank when there's a problem in front of them. They feel confident about tackling it  and tackling it creatively, thinking of options.

When our kids learn to trust their instincts, it's really important when it comes to things like friendships and safety, risk taking.  Values, we do know that kids are very vulnerable to the influence of their friends. Many kids feel insecure in their friendships, so they do things or say things, participate in activities that maybe  fly against their better wisdom, but, they're, they also want to fit in and be admired or included.

So when we help them learn to check in with themselves we help them be more confident in saying, I don't want to do that. That doesn't feel right to me.  And then here's a really big one. If we always give our kids the answer, we always step in, they don't get the chance to develop their own inner compass, which my gosh, I can't imagine a time that's ever been more important that we learn how to listen to the wisdom that we carry inside.

So let's talk about some shifts, simple shifts that we can make to help our kids tune in to that wisdom they carry within. The first is ask questions instead of giving answers.  Now, this is not easy, especially if you're opinionated and you often think that you're right. It's hard. We have to do our own work to help our kids think for themselves and resist that urge to answer every question right away.

So try and turn their questions back to them.  For example, that's a great question. What do you think? Or, what are you  leaning toward? Which way are you leaning?  Or, what does your gut tell you?  Or, What's one way you can figure this thing out?  It helps kids slow down and engage their own thinking process instead of immediately deferring to somebody else.

Let's take a real life example. Let's say your child is invited to a birthday party.  But isn't sure if they want to go instead of saying oh, you should go I know you're gonna have fun or you have to go she came to your birthday party Try something like  check in what's making you feel unsure  or  what does part of you want to do?

And what does the other part want  and for those of you interested in internal family systems? Keep an eye out for my podcast and my class on that. So this is where the parts language is so powerful  And you could also say to your child, if you picture yourself at the birthday party, how do you feel? This is helping them connect with their own feelings rather than Looking to you to decide for them, or to force them in one direction or the other.

Another example might be that your child's trying to choose between two possible after school activities and asks you which one should I do, or which one do you want me to do?  Instead of deciding for them what you might very happily want to do, it might be, oh gosh, I know which one I want you to do.

The schedule's easier, or the driving's easier. If indeed they're both options for you, then help them check in with themselves. What excites you most, sweetheart, about each of those activities? Check in and see, when you picture yourself doing them, what feels good about each of them.  Or, which one feels like a better fit for you right now?

Or, fits in with things you're interested in right now?  Or, you could say to them, if you could fast forward a few months, Which one do you think you would be happier that you would have chosen?  So what we're doing here is we're teaching them how to listen to themselves Which is a skill they're gonna need and use for the rest of their lives.

Here's the other strategy I want to emphasize and this is about noticing how their body and their emotions respond Because we often ignore our instincts and our children do the same because they're not paying attention to how something feels in their body and we've often We've participated in that.

We've pushed them to make, do things that kind of go against their instincts. Now, of course, that's part of being a parent. I don't know too many kids who would voluntarily choose to do homework or brush their teeth or take their shower. There's some kids, of course, that are really love all that.

But we have to give our kids opportunities,  check in with themselves and trust and act on what their own instincts are saying. This is about helping them understand that our bodies are tremendous sources of wisdom.  But most of us, even adults, have had very little encouragement or guidance in tuning in to its messages.

So here's an example.  These are some things you could say.  Honey, when you think about doing that. Activity,  does your body feel tight or relaxed?  Do you feel excited in a way that feels nice or does it seem like it's something you should do but your body's giving you the sense that you really don't want to?

If you listen to the first instinct that came to you before your brain got in the way or your thoughts got in the way, what did that instinct tell you? So here's an example. Let's say your child's unsure about whether to sign up for a school play. Instead of persuading them one way or the other, Guide them to check in with their body.

So you might say,  when you imagine stepping on the stage, do you feel nervous in an excited way? We're nervous in a, what am I doing here? I don't like this kind of way.  Does your stomach feel light and excited or heavy and tight?  Now again, it doesn't mean they shouldn't proceed. A lot of us have to do things and are glad later that we did things that we felt very nervous and uncomfortable about, but just raising their awareness can be so helpful.

For instance, if a child really feels frozen, but they're so attracted to being part of the play, maybe they want to. Stage Crew for the first one, and get their feet wet.  Another example might be that your child is not sure if they want to go to a sleepover. Instead of jumping in with, I think you should go Or, honey, you don't have to go if you don't want to.

Help them slow down and pause. And you might say,  how does your body feel when you think about it? Do you feel happy and excited when you picture yourself there or does something just feel not quite right?  Again, using the parts language, you could say, is there a part of you that's saying no and if so, what do you think that's about?

Is that part  really just a little uncomfortable because you don't know exactly what it'll be like? Or is that part telling you something  more about the people that are going to be there not really feeling like they're true friends?  And of course, model this for yourself. Let's say you're trying to decide whether to  rush to get to the art supply store before it closes for the weekend because there's a chance you might have time to work on your project.

And you're just not sure whether to do it when you're already out and about at the start of the week or to, hustle and get out the door right now. Let your child observe you considering both options. So you might say when I think about having the supplies in case I have time to work on it, that feels nice.

Even though I could also get some work done with the stuff I have on hand,  let me just check. When I picture myself in the car,  picturing myself trying to beat traffic before the store closes, I could see myself feeling  really tense and stressed and tight. And that option,  it feels like it's coming more from a pressured part of my thinking, like that I should do it.

When  I check in with my body, when I check in with myself.  Yeah, it feels better to just stay here and be relaxed rather than rushing to get out the door. The goal is not for our kids to overanalyze every single decision, but it is to get them used to checking in with themselves so they can start listening to their wisdom and trusting their instincts.

 Here's the thing, kids only learn to do that by practicing with small, everyday decisions, parents, this might take you taking a step back and doing your own work to see how you can better manage the urge to jump in with your advice or opinions. And then try pausing. Let them wrestle a little bit with a choice.

Ask them what they think. Ask them to tune in their feelings. Ask them to check in with their body and the sensations. Remember,  doing this doesn't mean we don't guide our children. We absolutely need to, and they need us to. But it means that we do it in a way.  That doesn't position us as the all knowing and that helps them build their own confidence rather than just borrowing ours So this week  try holding back a little and ask more questions  Help your child notice how their body and emotions Respond, and let them watch you weighing options  out loud so they can get a better feel for the process and understand that it's a very normal thing to be pulled in more than one direction or to be unsure.

A lot of us  really dislike, in fact most humans really dislike uncertainty, so we often make rash decisions that in the end are not in our best interest. This is a really valuable and important thing to help our kids.  Just watch them as you do this process. Start to trust themselves more and more.

Such a gift that we're giving our kids.  Thanks for listening. I hope I've given you some things to think about as always. If the episode resonated with you, I would so love it. If you'd share it with a friend or leave a rating or a review.  And if you have a parenting question you'd love me to cover, send it my way.

You can send it to support@susanstiffelman.com. And as always, please visit my website, SusanStiffelman.com. I've  got a wonderful class on helping kids cope with the uncertainty of today's world challenging world, especially anxious children. That's with the one and only Maggie Dent.  And then in early May, we'll be doing something on internal family systems, which I'm super excited about.

There's always great resources on my site, so I hope you'll check it out. Make sure that you check all the previously recorded masterclasses on everything,  under the sun really, and you'll find everything there at my website.  Until next time, remember.  No matter how busy life gets, look for those moments  of sweetness and joy.

Stay well, take care and we'll see you next time.