Never miss an episode! 

Welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. As a family therapist, teacher, and parent coach for over 40 years, I've helped thousands of families raise kids with more connection and ease. and fewer power struggles.

And I get to share some of what I've learned with you here. In this series we talk about real parenting struggles and practical ways to address them based on decades of experience and study in attachment theory, neuroscience, internal family systems, mindfulness, polyvagal theory, and of course decades of clinical practice.

You'll hear conversations with guests like Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, Tina Bryson, Ned Hallowell, and many others, along with episodes where I answer questions from parents like you. At the heart of my work is a commitment to helping you be the calm, steady, loving, captain of the ship for your children and teens.

Managing dysregulation, your kids and your own, so that you can raise confident, resilient kids who feel safe, seen, and heard. Secure and open to your loving support. You can find out more about my work at SusanStiffelman.com where you can explore a library of masterclasses on everything from meltdowns and chores to helping anxious and sensitive children thrive along with lots of other wonderful parenting resources.

Now let's get started.  In today's episode, we're going to talk about lying.  I chose this topic because not long ago, one of my members asked about their seven year old who had been lying quite a lot.

Or as I'm fond of saying, misrepresenting the truth. So I thought I would talk about it here. Let me just start by saying that almost all children lie sometimes.  Lying is not a sign that a child is going to grow up to be dishonest or disreputable or sociopathic. In fact, lying at around seven and younger and a bit older is often a sign of normal brain development.

So there's basically three reasons that kids will lie.  First of all, to avoid getting in trouble.  If a child thinks that telling the truth means they're going to get punished, they're going to lie, or they may lie, to protect themselves. Secondly, they want to get out of doing something that they don't want to do, like homework, or brushing their teeth, or doing a chore.

And then finally, some kids, especially younger kids, lie to make a story more interesting. And this is much more about imagination than deliberate deception. So they're saying, I scored 10 goals in soccer. When they actually scored one.  What does this tell us? That lying isn't always about being sneaky, it's often about self protection, or wishful thinking, or just avoiding discomfort.

So I want to start with what not to do when you find out or you suspect that your child is not telling the truth. First of all, Let's talk about what doesn't work or that isn't really connection affirming, it doesn't bring you closer. Don't call your child a liar because labels are really powerful and if they hear things like you're such a liar, they may actually start to internalize that and believe that's who they are and take that on as part of their identity.

So we always want to separate a child's behavior from who they see themselves as being from their identity.  Secondly, don't set your kids up to lie. If you already know that they didn't brush their teeth, don't ask them, did you brush your teeth? Because it just invites them to lie. Instead, you can say something like, I see that your toothbrush is dry, honey, let's go take care of that.

And finally, manage your reaction. If your kids see lying as this huge event that makes you really mad. They might just get better at hiding it, so  the focus needs to be on teaching honesty, not just punishing dishonesty. And that starts with creating a safe space, making it safe for your children to tell you the truth.

If they think that telling the truth is going to lead to getting punished, or being shamed, then lying is going to become a shortcut to protect themselves. They're much more likely to tell the truth when they know that it's safe to do so  how can we encourage honesty?  I don't want to take too much of a detour here, but I hope you listen to other podcasts or you've taken other classes where I talk about being a calm, present captain of the ship, because that's the version of you that if you can have that version show up, because you've managed some of the internal dialogue that It pushes you to become more reactive or you've addressed some of the deeper triggers that get activated when you see a behavior in your child that's concerning or upsetting or reminds you of something that you went through as a kid yourself.

When we're more present and regulated and curious and open, we can really help our kids know and feel that it's safe to, to be honest with us. It starts with gentle curiosity.  Instead of saying something like, Did you forget your homework again? Try it doesn't look like your homework made it to your backpack.

Do you think it might have gotten left at school? There's something less accusatory about that, and again, reflective of a curiosity, a concern, a question, but there isn't a tone of blaming.  And really important, show appreciation if they're honest, if they admit that they did leave it there, if they admit the truth, even, something that they know you're going to be disappointed in.

Start by saying, I really appreciate you telling me the truth, that takes courage.  If you take one thing from this episode today, that's going to be the big one because the more we reinforce to our child that we honor and respect them when they are brave, and they do risk telling us that they've made a mistake.

The more they're going to feel safe to do that. And that's the kind of relationship you want to forge with your child, especially if they're younger, because as they get older and the mistakes have greater stakes,  you want them to be able to come to you and tell you what's going on.  And then, goes without saying, but I'm going to say it.

Please, if you want your kids to be honest in front of them. Be honest. Not in front of them. Be an honest person. If that's a struggle for you in certain areas, look into that. What is getting in the way? What parts of you feel that it's better to be concealed or misrepresent the truth, as I said earlier,  and explore that because if you can make a mistake and then own it in front of your kids and say, Oh my gosh, I told grandma we would be there at 5 but I forgot the calendar actually says 4.

30. It just shows them that making mistakes and then admitting them and being honest is a part of life and part of being human.  Next, focus on problem solving rather than punishing. If the main reason that kids lie is to avoid getting in trouble, then the best way to stop lying is to make it safe to tell the truth and make it feel worth it to tell the truth.

Instead of focusing on the lie itself, focus on problem solving. Let's say that they spilled juice and they lied about it. Instead of saying, I know you lied to me, I know you're lying,  try something like, it looks like the juice spilled, let's clean it up together, and next time honey, you can just tell me and I'll help you.

Or if they say they did their homework and you know that they didn't, you can just say something that  kind of addresses the truth of the situation for them. I know that this Homework looked really hard and that, that subject isn't your favorite. How can we make it easier to get through it?  When they see that when they tell the truth, they get support, not just shame and punishments, it's much more likely that they're going to be honest in the future.

Now, there still are times when kids, as I keep saying, misrepresent the truth.  And it may well be that there needs to be some kind of effect of that or impact or consequence of that. But rather than thinking of that in terms of punishments, let's think of that as repair. Which to me is one of the most important aspects of raising kids, being a parent.

It's just vital to have healthy honest kids.  Mutually respectful relationships with people. So this is the opportunity when you can help them learn how to make repair. Let's say that they broke something and they're blaming someone else or they say the dog did it or they had nothing to do with it.

And you're pretty sure it was caused by something they were doing. You can just say sweetheart, I know it's hard to admit  things sometimes and you might be afraid of getting in trouble, but it's really important that we're honest with each other so we can trust each other. So how can you help us?

Get this lamp fixed up. Or if they blame a sibling for having broken the lamp, how can you make things right with your brother?  And there's such a relief for many kids when we don't come at them with this harshness or the punitive, punishing kind of attitude, threats, but rather we're helping them, supporting them  to do what they know in their heart is the right thing.

So just by way of wrapping up,  I want to reinforce the idea that  Dishonesty, lying, whatever you want to call it. It's quite normal for kids. It's pretty normal for humans. In general, you can look at a lot of adults and see rampant dishonesty. My hope for all of you is that you're able to raise kids who are uncomfortable  with not telling the truth who recognize the impact that dishonesty can have on close  loving relationships and help them, guide them, teach them  how to reconcile that desire to not get in trouble with the desire to be forthright and truthful.

And basically living in integrity with themselves and with others. So first again, just to summarize, understand why your kids are lying. It's usually to avoid trouble or get out of something, make a story more exciting, especially getting out of something. I really like approaching a child. With a request or a direction by saying I'm guessing this is not the thing you want to be doing right now So right out of the gate you're acknowledging the validity of their resistance to something so that you know getting it right out there and that sometimes makes it easier for a child to resist The urge to lie that they already did the thing or their stomach hurts or whatever it is  Create a safe space for telling the truth.

This is so important. And this is, as I said earlier, why we need to do our own work. Because sometimes it's really hard for us to make it safe for our kids to tell the truth because we don't want to hear the truth.  It's triggering. It's activating. It's upsetting. We want to do our own work and avoid setting our kids up to lie just because they know that we're going to become so reactive and upset.

Focus on problem solving, not punishing. We want to help our kids learn how to fix mistakes and make repair rather than just trying to avoid, negative consequences. And then, this idea of repair really begins with us modeling it. There are times we are. Making mistakes, whether it's that we've lied, or that we've lost our cool, or we've forgotten something we promised to do,  own it.

Tell the truth. You know what? I got distracted, and I forgot to look at the clock, and I picked you up ten minutes late for no other reason, but that I lost track of time, and I'm really sorry, and I can imagine that.  You were just standing there wondering what had happened and maybe being a little worried or a little anxious or Uncomfortable and more and more kids were getting picked up.

I'm really sorry, sweetheart I'm gonna make more of an effort so we could have a whole episode on  Gosh, we could have a whole class on repair and apology But just keep in mind how vital it is that we show our children what it looks and sounds like To stand in our truth, even when it isn't our best side or our best moment  If this episode's been helpful, I would love for you to share it with a friend, leave a review or a rating, and don't forget to subscribe to SusanStiffleman.com. If you'd like to stay in touch, we've got some fantastic classes coming up, and there's lots of free support in my newsletter.  All right, then. I hope you can acknowledge yourself for being here and showing up and wanting to grow and learn as a parent. It's truly what's going to make the world a better place, so thank you.

Remember,  no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy.  Stay well, take care, and I'll see you next time.