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When Kids Turn to Chatbots for Emotional Support

[00:00:00] Hi everyone, and welcome. Today I'd like to talk about kids and AI and share some thoughts I've been mulling over after listening to a powerful podcast not long ago. It's called Your Undivided Attention. It's hosted by Tristan Harris and. He's a Raskin, and their guest was a psychologist and researcher named Dr.

Zach Stein. And his work focuses on child development, education, and how humans interact with technology. Really insightful, very illuminating. But first welcome. You've arrived at the Parenting Without Power Struggles Podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, your host, a family therapist for a long time, and you're gonna find.

All kinds of terrific conversations here with wonderful people like Byron [00:01:00] Katie, Ramani Durvasala, Janet Lansbury, Dan Siegel, many others. And you can also visit susan felman.com, where you'll find a library of over 50 master classes on everything related to parenting, from chores and homework, to anxious kids and sibling issues.

Again, with awesome co-hosts like Gabor Mate, Terry, Rio Mon De Hook, Laura Markham, and many more, as well as our free newsletter with lots of valuable resources. I've put together a free handout for you. You can get the link in the show notes, or I'll give you the URL at the end of this session so that you can take home with you and mull over yourself.

So let's get started. We know kids are using AI for homework or to satisfy curiosities about a whole host of subjects. And in many ways, artificial intelligence or chat, GPT and the like are opening up doors of information that were once closed. Making them just an extraordinary [00:02:00] resource. But kids are also starting to turn to AI chatbots for advice and reassurance, and they're confiding in these bots and they're looking for comfort in ways that really needs to be reserved for human connection.

And that concerns me. So first, what are we actually talking about when we say chat bots? Most people think of chat, GPT, and yes. Chat. GPT is the most popular one that kids and teens are using, but it's not the only one. They're all also interacting with Google Gemini often for school research. Microsoft Copilot, which is built into many school computers and browsers, Snapchat's, my ai, which is embedded right inside the app that teens are using.

And of course, educational bots like Socratic or Photomath, which are marketed as tutoring tools. And then there's another category called Companion bots. These are apps like character, AI and replica, which are [00:03:00] designed specifically for emotional connection. Some allow intimate conversations or romantic conversations, and these are not homework tools.

They're meant to feel like friends or relationships, and that distinction is so important. Dr. Stein, in this conversation talks about something that every parent intuitively knows, which is that kids don't develop a healthy sense of self through information or explanations. They develop that through relationship, and so when your child tells you something.

That happened at school. Maybe something funny or something hard. They're doing more than sharing information. They're engaging in a relationship with you. They're watching you, your face, your tone, that little pause before you respond. Or the raised eyebrow, the smile, the look of concern or disappointment.

And these subtle cues help them answer questions like, was that okay? Did I go too far? Am I still safe? Am I still [00:04:00] connected? This is how children learn emotional regulation and intelligence and awareness. It's how they learn perspective. And it works because we are human and we don't always respond instantly.

Sometimes we disagree, sometimes we take a minute, we repair, and those are bumps in the road of relationships. They're essential to our capacity to build the muscle of relationship, of communication, of self-awareness. They're designed to be immediately responsive. They're endlessly patient, always affirming.

Almost everything your child says is met with them. Something like, that's a great question. You are really insightful. That makes so much sense. And that can feel good, especially to kids who are feeling anxious or insecure or lonely. But kids don't grow and develop in healthy ways through nonstop immediate, constant validation.

[00:05:00] They grow again through adjusting and tolerating someone's disappointment or their disagreement or sensing another person's limits and hearing, I'm not sure I need to think about that, or let's talk through that. Through navigating moments of misunderstanding and repair and chat bots take away all of that.

So they simulate relationship, but without any of the friction that human attachment offers, and that is so essential to us becoming healthy adults. So this conversation, it's not really about having tech rules and limits, it's really about attachment. Because when kids start going to chatbots with questions that they once brought to their parents or trusted adults like about friendships or their fears or worries or identity, that tells us where their nervous system is learning to seek reassurance.

And Dr. Stein calls [00:06:00] this shift an attachment economy. It's where technology isn't just capturing attention, but it's beginning to o occupy. Relational space and. AI offers those things that no human can compete with. It's always available. It never gets tired. It's never cranky. It never has its own needs.

It never asks kids to consider someone else. These experiences, of those things like waiting and negotiating and repairing, they're vital for what kids need, and they're not getting it in these simulated relationships. Of course, we also know that. Chatbots can give false information. We know that age limits are very weakly enforced, if at all.

And again, some of these companion bots are taking this into the area of romance and intimacy. The risk isn't just about content, it's [00:07:00] about where kids are turning with their inner world, where they're. Conveying or revealing private confidences where they're exposing their hearts, their fears, their thoughts, their worries, their dreams.

So we gotta step in. We have to stay on top of this. And again, there's all kinds of practical and wonderful applications of ai, but it's such new territory and it's developing so fast that I'm just inviting us all to take a beat and. Tune in and notice what's going on and trust your intuition. I think we need to understand that AI chat bots are not developmentally appropriate for children.

As sources of advice or emotional support or companionship, but we need to, as parents, make sure that it's not easy for our kids to use chatbots for emotional support. Meaning we need to make ourselves the place that they feel safe to come to [00:08:00] and to bring their questions and their concerns. Even the messy ones, even the embarrassing ones.

And that is really the foundation of my work, which is at the root of every class I teach, every podcast episode that we need to be that present. Safe captain of the ship. For our kids, we need to be rooted in our own wise, healthy self so that we can provide them with the kind of support, care presence, connection, attachment, guidance, comfort.

That they need human to human. We need to normalize it when they're frustrated or when we don't agree and work through those things with them so that they aren't turning away to where they can get this chat bot to agree with every single thing they say and tell them how wonderful they are and how no one understands them, but them.

Very risky, very concerning. We need to talk with our kids about what [00:09:00] AI is and what it isn't. Really to help ensure that they can come to us to share their experiences and make sense of some of the experiences they're having. I know when I use AI and I sometimes use it to kick around ideas or thinking about a different class, and it's a mixed bag because Yeah, it's initially was.

Lovely that it would say, what a great idea. You have such great insights. That's a really clever way of putting it together. And then eventually I had to say, stop flattering me. 'cause it just feels creepy. But your child might not feel that way. They might feel or even tell you, my bot understands me better.

So if they come to you, the first step is going to be, thank you for letting me know. I can imagine it feels good. When Chad, GPT, or Claude or whatever system they're using, when you hear how clever you are and doesn't get cranky like I do, or [00:10:00] impatient or mad, so it makes sense. Thank you for telling me.

And then parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, coaches, get curious. Why does your child feel. That it's a good idea to turn to AI to communicate their deepest feelings and fears to artificial intelligence. What need is being met there that isn't being met in the real world? Because that need, that longing is telling you something important.

There are safer options if you want to explore them with your kids. One is called Kinzoo. It's the moderated messaging app. With a safety focused ai. There's Pinwheel, GPT, which is, has more filters and a parent portal. They're not perfect, but they're certainly designed with kids safety in mind rather than emotional dependency.

But ultimately, this is really more [00:11:00] about who your kids feel comfortable and safe leaning on as they figure out who they are. Because a chat bot is never gonna be able to offer a warm, loving face to read or a pause. That invites your kids to reflect and not just giving them answers they wanna hear. You can't repair a relationship with a chat GPT.

Our relationships with our kids are really what are instilling in them. Cultivating in them the skills they will need to have well adjusted, satisfying lives. Which include healthy and loving relationships. So even when you're tired, even when you're imperfect, if you can let your kids become comfortable with those bumps in the road and reassure them that you're there, that your love is there, it's steady, it's true.

So that if they're really drawn to ai, start investing more in [00:12:00] strengthening that attachment and connection. And yes, we might need to set clear limits around tech, where and when they can have access. If we're running on fumes or we're really stressed or impatient, our kids may find that it's wonderful that they can offload their worries to an AI that will praise and validate them.

But again, just be honest. Acknowledge, I get, sweetheart, that there's this way that you can hear things that are so reassuring. And you're not always hearing those kinds of things from me or your brothers and sisters or your grandparents. Sometimes we're not as patient and you get to say that you want some time.

You get to let us know that you're feeling a little unrooted or lost, and it would be my honor to show up for you in that way because we wanna be the ones they turn to your real. Human presence still matters the most. So this is just the tip of the [00:13:00] iceberg. But meanwhile, food for thought. Pay attention.

Make sure that you're aware of what's going on with your kids and that it's restricted in the ways that are age appropriate. If you've found this topic, this episode, helpful. I am glad. I'd love it if you'd leave a rating or a review, a comment, share with a friend, or all of the above, and please be sure to check out our free newsletter@susanfelman.com.

There's so many resources there for you, and it's a great way to stay in touch and just get some consistent. Reminders about parenting in a more present conscious way, if that's your jam. So thank you for being here. Acknowledge yourself please for being here. I know there are lots of other podcasts out there and lots of ways you could spend your time.

And here you are wanting to grow as a parent. Show up for your kids with more of that captain of the ship [00:14:00] self-energy. And that really matters not just today, but as we. Raise our kids to the adults they're going to become For a free handout with summary of what I've said and some valuable suggestions, please visit SusanStiffelman/KidsAndBots.

And now as we wrap up, remember, no matter how busy life gets. Look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care and we'll see you next time.