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Hello and welcome back to The Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. Or, if you’re here for the first time, welcome—I’m glad you’re here.

In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about ADHD: the diagnosis and all that comes with it. Whether you have a child or teen who’s officially been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or attention deficit disorder, or you notice the traits and wonder—trouble focusing, staying on task, getting motivated, procrastination—or maybe you recognize some of these characteristics in yourself, I hope you’ll listen in.

You’re going to hear an excerpt from a class I did with Dr. Ed Hallowell—a wonderful session we did not too long ago—where we took a deep dive into attention deficit hyperactivity traits, with or without hyperactivity. In the full session, you’ll hear us critique the label, because it really doesn’t serve people well. It’s not a deficit, and it’s not a disorder.

I’m personally diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, and I know how much it’s added to my life. In this episode, you’ll hear part of that discussion.

Before we begin, I want to make sure you know that you can visit my website. And by the way, I’m Susan Stiffelman, if you don’t already know. The website is susanstiffelman.com. There’s a free newsletter with information and inspiration, and you’ll also find a library of over 50 deep-dive master classes with people like Dr. Ed Hallowell, Judith Orloff, Dan Siegel, Gabor Maté, Byron Katie, Terry Real, Maggie Dent—so many wonderful sessions that I’ve been privileged to co-host.

All of this is in service of helping you raise your kids with more joy, connection, and ease, and with fewer power struggles. I hope you’ll visit the site, sign up for the newsletter, and stay in touch.

Now let’s get started. I’m going to play a clip from that session with Dr. Hallowell, and then I’ll come back with a wrap-up to share some insights I’ve gained over the years working with parents whose children are diagnosed with ADHD or have traits of it.

This has been a subspecialty of mine for many years. I’m a marriage and family therapist, a credentialed teacher, and I’ve worked with thousands of children and parents over my nearly 40 years in the field. This podcast is a chance for me to share what I’ve learned, and I hope you find it helpful.

[00:03:00]
Question: Can you talk about a different way parents can discuss this with their kids—how to approach it early so they understand what might be coming, without shame?

Dr. Hallowell: You should address it as soon as you notice what’s going on. Avoid what I call the “moral diagnosis,” which is telling someone to try harder. Telling a kid with ADHD—or an adult—to try harder is about as helpful as telling someone who’s nearsighted to squint harder. It might help a little, but it won’t solve the problem. It’s frustrating and diminishes a sense of possibility because the child feels like they’re trying as hard as they can and still getting nowhere.

The way you explain it is very important. I sit down with the child and their parents and say, “We’ve gotten to know you, and guess what? I have great news: you’ve got an incredibly powerful brain.” Most kids know what a Ferrari is, so I say, “You’ve got a Ferrari engine for a brain. You have extraordinary imagination and mental power, but your brakes aren’t fully developed. You have trouble controlling the power of your mind.”

The child starts to nod. “Sometimes your mind runs away with you—you overlook things, miss things, rush past things, break things, or crash. Not to worry. I’m a brake specialist. We’ll work together—me, your parents, your teachers, your coaches, and others who care about you. Over time, we’ll strengthen your brakes so you can become a champion. A Ferrari with good brakes wins races; a Ferrari with bad brakes spins out. Our job is to strengthen your brakes so you can thrive.”

The point is not to normalize mediocrity—we want to make them super capable. Avoid the deficit/disorder model; it does a huge disservice. I see ADHD as a trait, not a disorder. Feeling defective is demotivating and creates harmful patterns.

Shame and fear are the real life-defeating conditions. I have both ADHD and dyslexia, and I wouldn’t trade them. But the truly damaging beliefs are: I’m defective. I have a deficit. I’m stupid. I don’t have what it takes to succeed. If you believe you can’t, you won’t. Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset confirms this: whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.

We want to instill a sense of I can. Not unrealistic: unwrapping your gift takes work. Turning this trait into an asset is possible—and likely—if you do the right things.

[00:07:00]
I relate personally to this, because I wasn’t diagnosed until my early forties. Pieces of my life fell into place when I understood nothing was “wrong” with me. I had internalized shame about why I wasn’t like other kids or peers. Why my space was filled with piles, why I struggled to keep track of things, especially tasks that didn’t interest me, and why even now I struggle with motivation for mundane tasks.

Seeing yourself through the lens of a Ferrari brain helps. Another model I love is Tom Hartman’s hunter brain concept. ADHD traits often don’t fit into structured, predictable tasks like those of a farmer who waters crops on a schedule. Many ADHD brains are trying to fit into molds that aren’t natural. Understanding this helps children see there’s nothing wrong with them—they have a hunter brain, a Ferrari brain.

Sometimes it’s challenging to downshift when projects excite you or require high adrenaline, and mundane tasks feel slow. I’ve lived this personally, and professionally I’ve seen many people navigate the challenges and gifts. I wouldn’t trade ADHD for anything. The spontaneity and novelty-seeking traits have led to experiences I wouldn’t otherwise have had.

[00:10:00]
When helping children who struggle with attention, focus, impulsivity, and task initiation, we do it not by shaming or scolding, but by understanding. You might say, “Sweetie, I get that this is hard for your brain. Let’s figure out a way to work with it.”

We also make sure kids get a chance to shine in what they love. Whether academically inclined or passionate about sports, arts, music, or interacting with others, every child should have opportunities to excel.

I hope this episode has been insightful. ADHD is a topic dear to me personally and professionally. If you enjoyed it, please leave a review, share it with a friend, or email us at support@susanstiffelman.com
 with questions or thoughts—you may see them explored in future episodes.

As we wrap up, visit susanstiffelman.com for more support and resources. Take a moment to connect with yourself before moving on. Remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I’ll see you next time.