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 A very warm welcome to you. I'm glad you're here. I'm Susan and you have arrived at the Parenting Without Power Struggles Podcast. This series is a chance for me to share what I've learned in my 40 something years as a teacher and a marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist, I have had the joy and honor and privilege of working with thousands of children and parents around the world in one-on-one sessions in my office and in large group presentations, and in my memberships and my classes, and I.

Everything that you're gonna hear in these episodes is a reflection of things that I've learned along the way and things that I've acquired and held onto that because they work. I'm a big fan of letting go of the things that don't work and holding on dearly to the things that do, so I'm happy I get to share some of that with all of you.

Today we're gonna talk about something that touches so many of you, so many families, which is anxiety in children and teens, but we're gonna talk about it from a slightly different angle. Instead of just diving into strategies or symptoms, I wanna invite you to consider it a different way of thinking about anxiety, not as something to get rid of, but as something to understand because.

When we shift our relationship with anxiety, everything else starts to shift too. So let's start with this question. What if anxiety isn't the enemy? What if it's a messenger? I know that can sound like a stretch, especially when we're watching a child melt down over something that seems so small or when they're waking up in the night again or refusing to go to school.

It is hard. It's exhausting, and it's easy to feel like the goal should be just to get rid of the anxiety. But here's what we know. Anxiety is a biological signal that is designed to protect us. It's the body's way of saying something feels unsafe. Now that might be a real threat, like an aggressive dog running toward you, or it might be a perceived threat like walking into a new classroom or trying something new and unfamiliar.

Kids don't always know how to decode that signal. In fact, adults have the same problem. But today we're gonna be talking about children and teens. So it can come out as clinginess or irritability. It can be tummy aches, it can be refusal or perfectionism or explosive behavior. It looks like our child's trying to be difficult, but really they're overwhelmed.

So what would happen if instead of saying calm down. Or there's nothing to be afraid of. We got curious and we said something like, oh, something's feeling really big or scary right now. I wonder what this anxiety is trying to tell us. So the shift is from controlling anxiety or trying to control it to befriending it, and that changes everything because anxiety, as uncomfortable as it is.

Can actually be an opportunity or a catalyst for growth. Think about it. When kids learn to recognize the signs of anxiety and respond with tools rather than panic or shut down, they build resilience and they start to realize, Hey, my body's having a reaction, but I know what to do. And that's where we come in.

Not that we fix everything or we eliminate anxiety completely, because that's not realistic, but we co-regulate and we guide and we translate. We can help them name what's happening. Oh, your tummy's hurting. Do you think that could be nerves or. It makes sense to feel nervous before a performance want to do a quieting breathing together.

Or you could say even grownups sometimes feel anxious. We can learn to ride that wave. Okay. Every time we do this, we're giving our kids a roadmap, and then when they face uncertainty again, and they will, they'll know they're not broken, they won't be terrified or feel completely powerless. They'll remember that anxiety is just a sign that their nervous system needs some care and attention.

I remember working with a child who had such intense separation anxiety that they would start crying in the car on the way to school. They weren't even out of the car yet. Nothing worked. But when we finally stopped trying to convince this child that they were fine and just started validating how hard it was to say goodbye, and then gave the anxiety a name and space to exist, things started to change.

So it didn't change overnight, but slowly. They began to say, I feel that feeling again, but I know it won't last. And of course, this requires something from us, which is that we learn to address and manage our own anxious feelings. I can't tell you how many parents I've worked with whose child or teen struggles with anxiety, who also struggle with anxiety.

Now we know that there's a hereditary component. But we also know that modeling our own anxious feelings about everything from when the plumber's gonna arrive to climate change, when we in front of our children embody a place of powerlessness and fear and can come out in the smallest little comments, then our kids do absorb that.

The world feels scary. It is a scary world. There's so much uncertainty. As I've mentioned, I'm doing a class with Maggie Dent on helping kids manage anxiety in an uncertain world, I'd love for you to check it out susanstiffelman.com. It's gonna be a 90 minute packed session with lots of tools and strategies that you can use with your children, but it also starts with us working on ourselves, on our own anxious patterns of thinking, and again, approaching our own anxious thoughts and sensations with curiosity and compassion.

And confidence rather than merging with those feelings and allowing them to run the show. We show our children by how we engage with our own worrisome thoughts or feelings or sensations. We show them that we can manage them, that they are signals that our nervous system or our amygdala is fired up or.

We're having an experience of feeling unsafe, but we don't have to hide under the covers when that happens, this is the magic of shifting from trying to control behavior to building emotional literacy. And it's not a quick fix, but it sticks. It's a lasting one, and this is why so much of my work is with.

The vision of not just how to get through today with our kids, but realizing and remembering that we are setting them forth on a path that will very quickly arrive when they are moving through their world on their own as independent adults. And we have the opportunity now while they're young, while they're living with us.

To give them, to download inside of them the resources and the tools and the confidence that they'll need for whatever life might send their way. If only we could control the twists and turns of our children's lives, if only we could guarantee that it will be a simple, easy path for them.

The fact is it isn't that way, but human beings do come. With an incredible capacity for adaptation, for coping, for resilience, for tackling difficult situations. We have it inside of us, but as parents, one of our responsibilities is to draw it forth, and that doesn't happen when we shield our kids from the things that might worry them when we make the unpleasant trees go away, but rather when we show them by how we engage with the life's difficult.

Moments or uncertainties, and then how we help them and support them. So your child's in the car and they're absolutely refusing to go outta the car to go to school. Maybe they had a difficult experience on the playground, or maybe the teacher made a comment and they're a sensitive child and the, and they just can't face it.

Again, we start by saying, thank you for letting me know how hard this is feeling. I am so glad you trust me. Let's look at that. Let's talk to that part of you, that part of you that is telling you or screaming in your ear that the things are not safe. And this is, why it's so important that we don't think about fixing the child.

It's about walking alongside them, whatever they're facing, whatever struggles they're in the middle of, so that they. Get the message from us that we trust in their capacity to cope. I know that we don't mean to, but there are times, especially if our child is especially anxious or very sensitive, there are times that we try our very best to rearrange the world around them.

We prevent them from having to encounter or live through. Those uncomfortable feelings, and I'm not saying that we wanna throw our kids in the deep end and we certainly don't want to, nor should we expose them to things that they're not able to process. I know for me, I have a sensitive disposition. I'm quite careful about how much news I take in and the kinds of things I expose myself to, whether it's movies, TV shows, I know my nervous system gets highly activated and those things are not.

Just a diversion or stimulating they're too much for my system. So as an adult, I tune into my body and I pay attention and I notice what are the things that are within my means, but I've also learned how to deal with the discomfort of being in territory that is unfamiliar to me, where I have to step outside my comfort zone, where I have to try things that are hard or different.

And I'm so grateful that I've done the work that I've done so that I'm not constrained by anxiety and fear because I know what that can be like. And we all want our kids to blossom and be able to manifest and explore and engage in the world that, in a way that allows them to develop and grow to the fullest extent of their passions and gifts.

So I hope I've given you some things to think about in particular, that anxiety is not a flaw. It is a part of being a human being, especially in an unpredictable world. But our kids don't have to face it alone and neither do we. We can learn skills and strategies to augment our ability to deal with the uncertainties around us.

In our immediate world and in the world at large. And I can't think of a time when this was more needed than now. So if you wanna go deeper in this topic, check out my class with Maggie coming up. It'll be recorded for those of you who catch it later. Can't attend live. No worries. And there's also lots of other great resource at susanstiffelman.com, over 40 other masterclasses, a free newsletter.

And lots of support and strategies because everything that I do after all these years of working with families, it's such a joy for me to be able to share and pass along the things that I've seen have allowed people to raise. Beautiful kids who move through the world with grace, with dignity, with confidence.

That's what we're all about. So thanks so much for spending time with me, and I hope you thank yourself for growing and learning and being a devoted, dedicated parent using these challenging times with your kids or the things that they, the bumps in the road as opportunities to heal, to change old patterns and habits, and to be more engaged and present.

Think about one or two things that you might wanna apply in the week ahead. Maybe just being more present and curious with your child when they're anxious, showing them you're not afraid of their distress, and helping them be on friendlier terms with those anxious feelings and sensations. That's it for now.

If you've enjoyed this podcast, I'd love for you to leave a rating or a review. It'd be so helpful as we try and get the podcast to a larger audience and. As we wrap up, here's what I like to say. Remember that no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I'll see you next time.