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Hi there, and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles. Podcast. I'm your host, Susan Stiffelman, a marriage and family therapist educator, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence. In this podcast, we dive into real parenting struggles, real solutions, all rooted in attachment theory and neuroscience, mindfulness, and decades of clinical experience. You're gonna find conversations here with experts like Dan Siegel and Janet Lansbury, Mona Dele Hook, Tina Bryson, Ned Hallowell, plus q and a episodes where I tackle your biggest parenting challenges, and we know that they exist. All of us have our challenges from time to time.

If you wanna go deeper and get more help, visit susanstiffelman.com. I have a free newsletter and lots of master classes on everything from meltdowns and anxiety to chores and sibling rivalry. Now let's get started. Today I'm gonna talk about one of these parenting challenges that so many of us face, which is keeping your cool.

Let's use. The iPad as an example. I know a lot of parents struggle with getting the iPad off. It's not hard to get them to turn it on. It's really hard to get them to turn it off, though. We can easily substitute another scenario leaving the park or having cookies before dinner or doing homework. But let's stick to the iPad for now and you've given the five minute warning to turn off the iPad.

It's time to clean up for dinner. You very nicely remind them again, and then it's time to turn it off. For real. And now they're shouting or there's tears, or your child is just saying no and clutching the device like it's oxygen. And in your head something gets fired up and you can feel yourself tensing, your blood pressure is rising and these thoughts start racing.

Why? Why can't they just do what I ask? Why does he always have to have more? Why can't she be like so-and-so's kids? They're so willing to cooperate. They don't give her a hard time like mine do. So now you're not just in a screen time struggle. You're heading into an emotional storm. I. Your storm and theirs both.

So I'm gonna share a couple of tools with you that you can use. They're not gonna make everything perfect, but they'll give you something to hold onto when you're about to be swept away by frustration or fear or helplessness. If this is very familiar territory for you, I'd love for you to join me for a free webinar on Keeping Your Cool later this week, and all the info susanstiffelman.com.

So here's the first idea I wanna share with you. Tip one, shrink the moment. One of the things that makes these moments of conflict so overwhelming isn't just what's happening, it's what we start telling ourselves about what's happening. So your child won't turn off the iPad and your brain starts piling on these upsetting thoughts.

They're addicted to screens. They're selfish and self-absorbed. They've lost the ability to play with anything that doesn't have a plug or a battery. Like, you know, all of these thoughts conspire to raise the stakes. And this is what our minds do. 'cause our minds are all about survival. And in this situation, they're gonna zoom out, see a bigger picture that really doesn't match reality.

But the mind in that moment doesn't care. They're catastrophizing. And now you're spiraling. So here's the shift I wanna offer you. Shrink the moment. Start by narrating very specifically what is happening right now. Speak to yourself, or you can even speak it out loud, just like a news reporter or an or an investigative detective.

Just the facts. No emotional extras. What's happening right now? I've asked my son to turn off the iPad and he is ignoring me, or he is refusing, or he is running off with it. It. So now we kind of have simplified the, the event, the actual thing happening, and we've reduced it down so that we don't have all these extra details.

He hates me. He's unappreciative. He'd be better off living with his grandmother. You know, we're just sticking to the facts. I've asked my son to turn off the iPad and he's ignoring me, or refusing or running away with it. Now ask yourself, what is the best thing I can do in the next 30 seconds that won't add to the drama?

That's all. We're just thinking. 30 seconds. I. We're not thinking, how can I stop this from happening? Or what consequence can teach them a lesson? You're just saying, what's one small, grounded thing I can do right now that might be putting your hand on your chest and taking a breath? It might be walking over slowly instead of calling out from the other room, it might be putting a hand on your child's arm and crouching down to their level and saying, I know it's hard to stop.

I'm here to help. When you shrink, the moment you step out of this cycle of panic and back into presence, and that is really where your true power is. 'cause you obviously can't control the situation or what your child's doing. But here you have some agency. Tip number two, use a mental anchor word. This second tool is even simpler, but it can be such a game changer.

Choose a word just one. A word that captures how you wanna show up, especially when things feel out of control. Maybe your word is steady, or pause, or calm or present. When the heat rises, when your child starts to push, your instincts are screaming, you wanna push back, you're just gonna silently repeat your word.

Steady, steady. Steady, and again, you might put your hand on your heart or on either side of your face. It's not about ignoring the frustration, it's about giving yourself a foothold, something you can come back to. And it doesn't need to be loud or visible. You don't have to say the word out loud, but the shift is real because your child will feel the difference when you respond from your center instead of your stress shrinking the moment.

It means keeping your mind from jumping into the future or catastrophizing, which are the kinds of things that move you toward dysregulation. And we know that that does not help settle things down. And when you use an anchor word, it keeps your heart aligned with your values and the wise self that you carry within you all the time.

Because when that wise self is able to reappear. Everything calms down. But in the meantime, we're finding a way to slow this movie to slow things down and together. Shrinking the moment and using an acre word will help you stay more connected to yourself and to your child when things get hard. Now, if all of this is helpful to you and it resonates, if you have your own version of these kinds of showdowns, please join me for the free webinar that I'm offering called Keeping Your Cool.

Simple title, lots of great information. It's a 30 to 40 minute live session, and I'm gonna talk about why your child's behavior lights you up so quickly. Not in a good way. What happens in your nervous system when your usual tools stop working? How to reconnect with your child after you've lost your cool, and what actually helps in those high stress real life moments.

No complicated ideas, just practical insights and friendly support based on my decades of work with kids. You can sign up@susanfelman.com and of course. Tell a friend or two. Love to really make this information available as widely as we can. Just one final thought. You do not have to handle every meltdown or every tough situation with grace and a kind of zen-like vibe.

I. Yes, you're gonna lose your cool, but there are ways to walk back from that. And more importantly, there's ways to avoid getting swept into the storm. You just need some tools to help you stay steady and rooted in that captain of the ship. So the next time that iPad battle begins, try one of these things.

Shrink the moment. Choose a word. And come back to presence. Thanks for being here with me. I'm so glad to have this opportunity to share some support with all of you who are in the trenches raising these beautiful, complicated, lovely, challenging sometimes kids. And, uh, please, as we wrap up, remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy.

Stay well, take care and I'll see you next time.