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Episode Summary
Episode Summary
In this episode, Susan explores what power struggles really are, why they arise so instinctively, and how parents can step out of them by embodying calm, confident leadership. Drawing from decades of work with families, she illustrates how pushing against a child’s demands—whether about rides, rules, or routines—creates a cycle of resistance, while responding from the grounded “Captain of the Ship” state fosters cooperation, connection, and emotional growth. Susan explains that true change doesn’t come from memorizing scripts, but from doing the inner work that allows parents to meet their children with authenticity, presence, and compassion. By reducing power struggles, families not only experience less conflict but also open the door to more closeness, teamwork, and the deep joy that comes from nurturing secure attachment.
Things you'll learn from this episode:
Things you'll learn from this episode:
✔️ Power struggles happen when we push back — Kids instinctively push against what pushes them, and parents unintentionally escalate conflict when they meet that push with their own resistance.
✔️ Connection—not control—is the real solution — Stepping into the calm, confident “Captain of the Ship” role reduces power struggles and strengthens cooperation, trust, and emotional closeness.
✔️ Inner work matters more than perfect words — Kids respond to our energy and authenticity, not memorized scripts; the more we manage our own reactions and heal old triggers, the easier it becomes to guide them with compassion and clarity.
✔️ Power struggles happen when we push back — Kids instinctively push against what pushes them, and parents unintentionally escalate conflict when they meet that push with their own resistance.
✔️ Connection—not control—is the real solution — Stepping into the calm, confident “Captain of the Ship” role reduces power struggles and strengthens cooperation, trust, and emotional closeness.
✔️ Inner work matters more than perfect words — Kids respond to our energy and authenticity, not memorized scripts; the more we manage our own reactions and heal old triggers, the easier it becomes to guide them with compassion and clarity.
Meet Susan Stiffelman
Meet Susan Stiffelman
Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed psychotherapist and the author Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence (an Eckhart Tolle Edition). Her work has been featured on the Today Show, The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, NPR, PBS, and numerous media outlets.
Through her online parenting programs and memberships, Susan delivers practical strategies to help parents become the calm, connected “captain of the ship” in their children's lives.
A lifelong meditator, Susan's guidance reflects an understanding that as we raise our children, we are also raising ourselves; growing, stumbling, healing, and becoming more of our true and wisest selves.
Episode Transcript
Episode Transcript
Welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm your host, Susan Stiffelman. You can learn more about my work at SusanStiffelman.com. We’ve got over 50 master classes on every topic under the sun related to raising kids and teens—from anxiety to chores to siblings to resourcing yourself when you're feeling overloaded or overwhelmed. The Resilient Brain features guests like Dan Siegel, Gabor Maté, Mona Delahooke, Janet Lansbury, Maggie Dent—so many wonderful people. I hope you’ll explore those offerings if you’re here to grow as a parent. And of course, we also have lots of free resources, including a great newsletter.
Parenting without power struggles. What does that actually mean? When I wrote my first book, this title came up, and it immediately resonated. Today, I want to explore what it really means to parent without getting pulled into those draining battles.
If you’re here for the first time, welcome—I’m so glad you found your way here. And if you’ve been with me for many episodes, I’m equally grateful you’re still listening. I’m Susan Stiffelman. After decades as a family therapist and teacher—and as a parent myself—I share the truths and tools I’ve learned from working with thousands of children and families.
Before we dive in, feel free to visit my website, susanstiffelman.com, if you want to learn more about my work. I offer private coaching, a parenting membership where I meet with members twice each month, and a Co-Parenting with a Narcissist membership with therapist Wendy Behary. These are all ways to receive real, live support—not quick TikTok tips or AI-generated advice, but grounded help from someone with lived experience.
What Is a Power Struggle?
For many years, when speaking on stages around the world—Paris, Senegal, Kansas, Northern California, New York—I would invite someone from the audience to put their hands against mine. I would start to push, and without fail, the person would push back. I would ask, “Did I tell you to push?” They always said no.
We push against what pushes against us. It’s instinctual.
A power struggle requires two people pushing—whether it’s you and your partner, your friend, your parent, or your child. And the solution is simple: either don’t push, or don’t push back. We have control over only one half of that equation.
Imagine your child demanding, “You have to take me to Dory’s house right now—everyone’s there working on a project.” That demand can feel like a push. And then something in us rises up: How dare you tell me what I have to do? So we push back:
“I’m busy! You can’t just barge in and make demands. You don’t even appreciate everything I do for you.”
That’s the classic formula for a power struggle. Parents often face this dynamic many times a day.
Why Fewer Power Struggles Matter
Power struggles are exhausting. They leave you feeling agitated, misunderstood, unappreciated, and emotionally worn out. But when power struggles decrease, something beautiful emerges: connection.
A family without chronic power struggles feels more like a team. There’s cooperation, mutual respect, and warmth. And that’s what most of us imagined when we pictured raising children—love, joy, laughter, small adventures, and meaningful moments together.
My goal isn’t just to help you avoid arguments; it’s to help you build the kind of relationship with your children that nourishes everyone involved.
The Role of Attachment and Inner Work
Much of my work—across over 50 masterclasses and countless podcast episodes—comes back to attachment. Strong, secure attachment reduces conflict because kids feel safe, seen, and supported.
But attachment is shaped by how we show up.
We cannot control our child’s temperament, their day at school, or their frustrations. But we can learn to manage our own reactions. This is why I talk so much about becoming the Captain of the Ship—calm, confident, clear, compassionate, connected, and curious.
These qualities align beautifully with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the notion of the “Self.” Kids don’t respond to scripts; they respond to our presence. They feel the authenticity beneath our words. They sense whether we are grounded or triggered.
When we do our own healing work, our ability to stay steady grows. And from that steadiness, power struggles naturally diminish.
Applying This in Daily Life
Returning to the example:
Your child insists, “You have to take me to Dory’s right now!”
If you’re in Captain mode—because you’ve done the inner work to manage your reactions—you might respond:
“Sweetheart, I can hear how important it feels to get there right now. I wish I could drop everything to take you, but that’s not possible. I imagine you’re feeling frustrated or worried about missing out.”
There’s compassion but no defensiveness, no lecturing, no escalating. You stay present for whatever comes next. You recognize these moments as opportunities for your child to grow emotionally—with your steady, loving support.
Closing Thoughts
If you’re enjoying these episodes, I’m thrilled. Please share them or leave a review—it means so much. You can also reach out with topic ideas at support@susanstiffelman.com
.
Parenting has given me opportunities to grow in ways I never imagined. With support, awareness, and self-compassion, we can break generational patterns and help our children become more resilient, grounded adults.
No matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy.
Take care, and I’ll see you next time.
Parenting without power struggles. What does that actually mean? When I wrote my first book, this title came up, and it immediately resonated. Today, I want to explore what it really means to parent without getting pulled into those draining battles.
If you’re here for the first time, welcome—I’m so glad you found your way here. And if you’ve been with me for many episodes, I’m equally grateful you’re still listening. I’m Susan Stiffelman. After decades as a family therapist and teacher—and as a parent myself—I share the truths and tools I’ve learned from working with thousands of children and families.
Before we dive in, feel free to visit my website, susanstiffelman.com, if you want to learn more about my work. I offer private coaching, a parenting membership where I meet with members twice each month, and a Co-Parenting with a Narcissist membership with therapist Wendy Behary. These are all ways to receive real, live support—not quick TikTok tips or AI-generated advice, but grounded help from someone with lived experience.
What Is a Power Struggle?
For many years, when speaking on stages around the world—Paris, Senegal, Kansas, Northern California, New York—I would invite someone from the audience to put their hands against mine. I would start to push, and without fail, the person would push back. I would ask, “Did I tell you to push?” They always said no.
We push against what pushes against us. It’s instinctual.
A power struggle requires two people pushing—whether it’s you and your partner, your friend, your parent, or your child. And the solution is simple: either don’t push, or don’t push back. We have control over only one half of that equation.
Imagine your child demanding, “You have to take me to Dory’s house right now—everyone’s there working on a project.” That demand can feel like a push. And then something in us rises up: How dare you tell me what I have to do? So we push back:
“I’m busy! You can’t just barge in and make demands. You don’t even appreciate everything I do for you.”
That’s the classic formula for a power struggle. Parents often face this dynamic many times a day.
Why Fewer Power Struggles Matter
Power struggles are exhausting. They leave you feeling agitated, misunderstood, unappreciated, and emotionally worn out. But when power struggles decrease, something beautiful emerges: connection.
A family without chronic power struggles feels more like a team. There’s cooperation, mutual respect, and warmth. And that’s what most of us imagined when we pictured raising children—love, joy, laughter, small adventures, and meaningful moments together.
My goal isn’t just to help you avoid arguments; it’s to help you build the kind of relationship with your children that nourishes everyone involved.
The Role of Attachment and Inner Work
Much of my work—across over 50 masterclasses and countless podcast episodes—comes back to attachment. Strong, secure attachment reduces conflict because kids feel safe, seen, and supported.
But attachment is shaped by how we show up.
We cannot control our child’s temperament, their day at school, or their frustrations. But we can learn to manage our own reactions. This is why I talk so much about becoming the Captain of the Ship—calm, confident, clear, compassionate, connected, and curious.
These qualities align beautifully with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the notion of the “Self.” Kids don’t respond to scripts; they respond to our presence. They feel the authenticity beneath our words. They sense whether we are grounded or triggered.
When we do our own healing work, our ability to stay steady grows. And from that steadiness, power struggles naturally diminish.
Applying This in Daily Life
Returning to the example:
Your child insists, “You have to take me to Dory’s right now!”
If you’re in Captain mode—because you’ve done the inner work to manage your reactions—you might respond:
“Sweetheart, I can hear how important it feels to get there right now. I wish I could drop everything to take you, but that’s not possible. I imagine you’re feeling frustrated or worried about missing out.”
There’s compassion but no defensiveness, no lecturing, no escalating. You stay present for whatever comes next. You recognize these moments as opportunities for your child to grow emotionally—with your steady, loving support.
Closing Thoughts
If you’re enjoying these episodes, I’m thrilled. Please share them or leave a review—it means so much. You can also reach out with topic ideas at support@susanstiffelman.com
.
Parenting has given me opportunities to grow in ways I never imagined. With support, awareness, and self-compassion, we can break generational patterns and help our children become more resilient, grounded adults.
No matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy.
Take care, and I’ll see you next time.
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