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Welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting with Presence. As a family therapist, teacher, and parent coach for over 40 years, I've helped thousands of families raise kids with more connection and ease. and fewer power struggles.

And I get to share some of what I've learned with you here. In this series we talk about real parenting struggles and practical ways to address them based on decades of experience and study in attachment theory, neuroscience, internal family systems, mindfulness, polyvagal theory, and of course decades of clinical practice.

You'll hear conversations with guests like Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, Tina Bryson, Ned Hallowell, and many others, along with episodes where I answer questions from parents like you. At the heart of my work is a commitment to helping you be the calm, steady, loving, captain of the ship for your children and teens.

Managing dysregulation, your kids and your own, so that you can raise confident, resilient kids who feel safe, seen, and heard. Secure and open to your loving support. You can find out more about my work at SusanStiffelman.com where you can explore a library of masterclasses on everything from meltdowns and chores to helping anxious and sensitive children thrive along with lots of other wonderful parenting resources.

Now let's get started.

Hi there. I'm so glad you're here. Today we're gonna talk about something that almost every parent faces meltdowns, whether it's your toddler just collapsing into tears over the wrong colored cup, or your 7-year-old falling apart at the grocery store. Meltdowns are really one of the hardest parts of raising children, especially when you're running on fumes.

You're exhausted, you're juggling a million other things. I hope you know that you're not alone, and when your child has a meltdown, it does not mean you're doing anything wrong, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your child. The truth is meltdowns are not a symptom of. Willful misbehave you.

They are nervous system events. Stuck emotions mean. Stuck development. And when kids can't access those vulnerable emotions, it just explodes out. And there's even a quote, mad is sads bodyguard. So oftentimes, even for us grownups, when we're really mad, we're fuming. We're we wanna punch something, even if we're able to restrain ourselves, there's a sadness or a hurt underneath.

With children when they're overwhelmed, too much stimulation, they're hungry, they're tired, they're stressed. There's a lot of emotional buildup. The thinking part of their brain goes offline. It's not available. And here we are trying so desperately to explain why they can't have the blue cup or why they can't have the bag of chips, logic and reasoning, and even.

For them to process basic direction, it just takes a back seat because their system is sounding the alarm. They're not trying to be difficult. It's just the amygdala, the whole brain mechanism that is tied in with survival Now. Has somehow conveyed that they are in danger. Sometimes that alarm looks like screaming or sobbing or hitting or crumpling to the ground, but what's underneath is a child who is in distress.

And just doesn't have the tools to cope, and that can be so triggering for us as parents, we may feel really helpless, or if we're in public really embarrassed, we might feel really angry. We've tried to stay calm and things just keep escalating and when we're depleted ourselves. We have nothing to give.

There's no, to draw from no reservoir for us to remember, oh, I wanna be a conscious and mindful loving present parent. All the good intentions fly out the window when we have nothing more when we've run outta gas. And the other thing that can come up for us is that if we have these ideas about what it means to be a good parent.

We can now move into a place of desperation, meaning I need my child's meltdown to stop so I can be reassured that there's nothing wrong with how I'm raising them. So that's why managing meltdowns really starts with us with understanding our own nervous system, our own triggers. And what it looks like and feels to really stay anchored when that storm hits.

And because this is a topic that I address so often with parents, whether it's in private coaching or in my memberships, I decided to do a class on it. And I'm so happy that I'm gonna be joined by Tracy Gillett on May 22nd for the Meltdown Map: Tools for Tough Moments. Tracy's the founder of. Raised good.

It's a beautiful platform that supports parents, hundreds of thousands of parents around the world in raising children with compassion and presence and intention. And we are going to walk you through the neuroscience behind meltdowns, how to set limits without escalating things, because that's a big one.

The word no can absolutely catalyze a meltdown within seconds sometimes. And how to prevent overload before it starts. We're gonna also talk about how you can calm your own system in those make or break moments. And by the way, we're gonna talk about the difference between tantrums and meltdowns.

Tantrums are. Generally more goal oriented and meltdowns tell us that our child's losing control. They're not trying to take control now because we know that when we can offer our child. That calming co-regulating presence that they so desperately need in those over overwhelming moments. We're gonna also talk about how to do that.

We want our kids to benefit or borrow our calm state, but we have to get there first, and this is a huge piece of it that we sometimes overlook. We also know that a sturdy attachment helps kids know that. We're there, that the love won't be lost. And we really want our children to understand that emotions are like waves.

There's another quote I really like. You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. And this is true for adults as well, that when we learn how to ride the waves, it's such a gift that we give our kids to know that we can have strong feelings or we can feel overwhelmed or in despair.

Disappointed, sad, overloaded, and not be taken down. One of the things I wanted to talk about today is crying. A lot of us grew up believing that tears should be stopped or they should even be punished or big boys don't cry. All of those kind of negative messages and programming that discouraged tears, but tears are really not a problem.

Tears are actually healing. They're vital. In fact, I've counted so many parents. Who have highly aggressive kids or who have kids, who have kind of trigger happy s systems where they, it takes very little for them to move into a meltdown. I encourage 'em to find their tears. Of course, not to provoke them, to make them cry, but because we know that.

Tears can help release emotion that's already there underneath the anger, underneath the defiance or the withdrawal. Again, stuck emotions lead to stuck development. And when kids don't feel safe expressing sadness, it often shows up as aggression or shutdown. And we know anger is, a way to feel a lot of energy.

It's energizing, but underneath is the sadness that we need to help our kids access in. By the way, this is true for us as well. If you're someone who quickly moves to anger, it's really important to start looking at what is the sadness, the loss, the hurt that might be getting masked. When we routinely create safety for sadness for our children, sadness for them to let us know, for them to have a little crumple or need a cuddle, then we're gonna see more of their ability to.

Soften and be vulnerable with us. And this is of course something we wanna model, but our presence matters. How we stay steady if we can, even when it's messy, when we can say, I see. I. How hard this is for you instead of stop crying, then we offer something really rare and really powerful, which is permission to feel.

And through that our kids begin to recover their nervous systems, learn that it's safe to come back. They're still loved, even in their most unlovable moments. And what a gift that is if you think about yourself and all the hoops you've jumped through, perhaps to try and. Not feel the intense sadness that is behind anger.

Maybe some of you listening get very quickly moved into fury or rage screaming, shouting. Again, just as true for you, that when we can access that feeling underneath of disappointment, loss, worry, sadness, we can better manage those strong emotions. So what sets meltdowns off? Now, remember, meltdowns are not just about toddlers.

Older kids, even tweens and teens can have meltdowns too. A 12-year-old might not throw themselves on the floor. But they might, but they may slam a door or yell or sh shut down. And this is, these are also signs of a nervous system that's in overload and sometimes with when our kids are not little tiny things, when they're bigger or they're sturdy, bulky, solid kids, we can feel afraid of the physical harm they can inflict.

So we're walking on eggshells because even a 4-year-old in full meltdown mode can do some damage with hitting or kicking or biting. And it can feel frightening both to be the parent and feel like we have to protect ourselves. Maybe we have to protect the child's siblings, but also it's frightening to the child to have that level of intensity going on in their body.

So in our class, we're gonna talk about some of the more subtle indications that your child's moving toward meltdown. Territory. We know that they often show up around stress, especially for older kids who are juggling school and friendships. But transitions are a big one. Leaving the park, turning off a screen, sensory overload, too much noise, too much light or visual clutter can push a child over the edge.

Disconnection. You know when a child feels unseen or brushed off, or they just haven't had that feeling of really being with you and the comfort that comes from that, which I know isn't always possible when you're already maxed out. And then we know that a big one is a loss of control. Kids feel that there are no choices.

There's too many demands that contradict what they would like. So these are just some of the possible. Instigators of meltdowns, but of course every child's different. So it's really helpful to start noticing patterns. Do meltdowns happen after school or at meals or during transitions Right before dinner.

Just as you're getting up in the morning trying to get out the door. And so Tracy and I are gonna go into very specific ways to look for the indications that a child's moving toward a meltdown to help you anticipate and avoid some of those really intense emotional storms. But remember, no matter how many tools you've got, meltdowns are hard and sometimes we're gonna lose our patience.

We snap, we say something we regret. That does not mean that you have failed. It means you are a human being and it's not easy to be a human being. The real work isn't gonna be about perfection. It's really about repair and noticing when we're being pulled out of that calm state, that regulated state ourselves, taking a breath when we can before we respond.

Even something as simple as placing a hand on your heart and saying, I'm safe, my child is safe, can shift things energetically. And of course this allows on your better days to be your child's anchor, their safe harbor. But when it isn't possible, we will always encourage repair.

Repair is one of the ways we build deep intimacy with those we love, including our kids. I always like to keep these brief when possible, just to give you a few things to think about and perhaps put into practice this week. Maybe you can think about one thing you would like to take forward. Maybe you're gonna just notice the thinking behind your I.

Views of meltdowns and maybe you can start to reframe that they're not something your child is willfully doing to upset you or to try and control things when it's a meltdown. It is a nervous system event. It's a indication that your child simply cannot cope. And we can perhaps then take it a little less personally and.

Tell a nicer or more favorable story about what's going on rather than there's something wrong with you or your parenting or child, and really acknowledge that their system has just tipped over into a state where some alert has been activated in their brain and they need our calm presence when possible.

Lots to think about, lots to put into practice. I'm so glad you're here. It means so much to me to be able to share what I've learned in these many years of working with families. If this has resonated with you, I hope that you will consider leaving a rating or sharing the episode with a friend or writing a review.

And remember, you can find out more about my class on The Meltdown Map at SusanStiffelman.com, but you can also find lots of free support there. A library of over 40 master classes. I can't believe I've done that many with such wonderful people, and we cover everything from raising sensitive or anxious kids to managing homework and chores with the best of the bunch.

The most wonderful colleagues have joined me for so many episodes, and I always learn from them as well as getting to share their wisdom with you. So that's it for today. Please remember, emotions are part of being human. We are feeling machines. So the more you can honestly model dealing with your own feelings, acknowledging them with compassion rather than judgment, the more your kids will learn.

There's no shame in being sad, worried, fearful, or just overloaded. As we wrap up, remember. Remember I nearly take this to heart. No matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care and I'll see you next time.