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Hi there, and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles. Podcast. I'm your host, Susan Stiffelman, a marriage and family therapist educator, and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence. In this podcast, we dive into real parenting struggles, real solutions, all rooted in attachment theory and neuroscience, mindfulness, and decades of clinical experience. You're gonna find conversations here with experts like Dan Siegel and Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, Tina Bryson, Ned Hallowell, plus Q and A episodes where I tackle your biggest parenting challenges, and we know that they exist. All of us have our challenges from time to time.

If you wanna go deeper and get more help, visit susanstiffelman.com. I have a free newsletter and lots of master classes on everything from meltdowns and anxiety to chores and sibling rivalry. Now let's get started.

 We're gonna look at today, a particular angle of this body of work, but it's a, an important one because it is an, runs as an undercurrent to a lot of the things that I teach and talk about. So here we go. It's a powerful question that I have used for many years in my work with parents and it's really simple, but it can really change.

How you respond to your child, and this is the question. Get ready for it. Drum roll. The question is, why does this behavior make sense? So your child's acting out, they're falling apart, they're ignoring your requests, or they're saying things that you know they know are gonna push your buttons, and it's really easy to jump into reactive mode or correction mode like.

How can I stop this? What consequence should I give? How can I get them to listen or to be respectful? What if you paused for a minute and you just asked the question, why does this behavior make sense? I. In other words, we're reverse engineering. Here's the, 12:22 PM and the a meltdown has happened or the episode that's so frustrating.

What happened that got you there and I. I am not saying it's okay that your 6-year-old is hitting you, or that your tween is rolling their eyes and slamming the door in your face, but when you step back to consider what's behind the behavior, which is what I'm all about, then you can respond more thoughtfully and more effectively too.

So in other words, we're not just being nice, we're actually looking for ways to have less of that difficult behavior and respond to it more effectively. It doesn't become something else. I am gonna walk you through a few examples. Here's example number one, the sibling tormentor. You've got an 8-year-old.

They have been relentlessly teaching, teasing their little brother. Nothing horribly cruel, snide remarks, grabbing toys, poking him till he cries. You're understandably tempted to scold him or to send him away. But if he asks the question, why does this behavior make sense? Then maybe you start to really consider, now you can't always do this.

Sometimes you just have to stop the behavior or you're, you don't have very much patience or you're, you got a lot going on. But in the times when you can, why does this behavior make sense? Okay. Then you start thinking. It's possible that he's been feeling left out, or maybe the younger sibling is especially cute these days or more agreeable, getting more attention.

Maybe the older child is struggling at school or on the playground and they feel small, so they try to feel powerful by pushing their little brother around. When you start to question the why, then you can address the root, which is what I'm all about. So you might say, buddy. Don't like what you're doing, but I wonder, have you been feeling pushed aside lately and you see how they respond?

Now Some kids will go, no. But some kids might be, I don't know. And that might be your code for Yeah, or it might be something else. I wonder if you're just having a hard time or if there's parts of you, 'cause now I'm working more and more with the internal family systems model. Are there parts of you that are just feeling left out or lonely?

So that's option number one. Example two, the explosive bedtime battle. And I don't know if you can hear, somebody's got their leaf blower outside. My apologies. Or a chainsaw we're gonna carry on. So here's another example. You've got a 4-year-old. Bedtime is just crazy town. It's a full on protest. Every single night they scream, they run down the hall, they're hiding under the couch.

Not your favorite way to end a long day. So if you can, again, can't always do it. Why does this behavior make sense? So I'm just gonna pause for a second and invite you to play along. Why might it make sense that your 4-year-old is prolonging bedtime or being highly uncooperative at when it's time to get their jam's on, brush their teeth, get ready for bed.

So thinking about the why, I'll shorten it also 'cause the chainsaw. Maybe you reflect and you think, maybe my child is anxious about being separated from me. Maybe bedtime is a really hard transition. 'Cause we've just started a new school or there's been a recent move or some upheaval in the family and bedtime is another kind of experience that's difficult.

Or maybe you've been really busy. And this is the only time they're getting your hun undivided attention. So instead of just having stricter rules or being reactive when you're able can't always do it, you might address the underlying why. And you might not even be right by the way. You might have thought, oh, it's because they haven't been getting a lot of attention.

And in fact, that's not the reason at all. Maybe it's because they're scared of the dark or because they're not connected to their feelings of tiredness or. They're still hungry or thirsty or overstimulated, but you might say, look, I know it's hard to say goodnight. I think part of you really wants to stay near me.

If in fact you believe it's 'cause they don't wanna separate. Let's read a book and snuggle for an extra few minutes tonight. And you're, it's such a comfort to a child to feel that you are open and curious and compassionate toward whatever might be stirred up in them. It's not about giving in, it's about tuning in.

And then we've got the third example, the snarky teen. So your 11-year-old, 12-year-old gets in the car. You say, how was your day? And they just say. Why do you always ask that? It was fine. Okay. You get the tone, the attitude, the annoyance. Your impulse might be to snap back and say, don't talk to me like that.

Or, I'm just trying to be nice. And of course you wanna encourage respectful communication. But again, why does this behavior make sense? Maybe they had a really hard day and they're decompressing the only way they know how. Remember they're 11. Maybe they're overstimulated, they're overwhelmed. They're drained.

They're testing where you stand. Are you still on their side when they're grumpy? When you can hold that larger view, then you're less likely to escalate in that moment, and you might say. It sounds like maybe you need a little quiet time or time to yourself. I'm gonna give you a few minutes. We can talk about your day if you feel like it.

This creates space. It all, it also models the kind of respect and even self-awareness that you wanna teach without getting into the power circle. 'cause that's the goal. The goal is if at all possible, do no harm and or create no power circles, right? It may not be that you get the exact outcome you want but that would be progress now.

None of this is gonna work if you're really dysregulated, if you feel a need for your children to behave or behave toward you in a particular way, but. Asking why something makes sense is a powerful tool, but it's really just about helping you pause so that you can access your higher self, your wiser self, your curiosity and compassion so that you're not in a reactive place.

And this is the body of my work is all built on this. Deeper approach using the challenging moments and experiences of raising kids to heal ourselves, to do our own work. I have a membership that meets twice a month and lots of other avenues for getting support if you're interested. So I. We wanna just ask the question.

We're shifting from blame to curiosity, from punishing our kids to problem solving. It does not mean we allow or excuse hurtful behavior, but it means we're less likely to move into shame or, putting our kids down or withdrawing our love and more likely to use these for teachable moments.

Because ultimately a child's behavior is communicating something when they act out, when they melt down, when they push our buttons, they're often showing us something they don't. Have the words to express. We don't have to fix it. It's just that we wanna stay connected and curious and help them feel safe enough to grow.

So this week I invite you to try this out. Next time your child does something really frustrating, they ignore a request or they snap at a sibling, or they refuse to brush their teeth. Just ask the question for a minute. Why does this behavior make sense? You may not know the right answer, but just asking the question will soften your nervous system, slow down your reactivity and help you meet your child with more understanding, and that shift is really what changes everything.

If this has been helpful to you and you're listening on the podcast, I would so love it if you would leave a rating or a review stars, whatever it is. Same on YouTube, just comment, rate share. We really wanna offer support to parents all over. There's lots of free support@susanfelman.com along with all the things I'm up to and upcoming events, challenges, programs, classes.

Remember, parenting is a journey I. Thank you for showing up. It means that you are on the journey with intention and commitment, and I'm here to serve you. And as we wrap up, remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care and I'll see you next time.