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Hi there, and welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles Podcast. Today we're going to talk about something I can almost guarantee you can relate to: boundaries and threats—and what the difference is. Most of us know all too well what it feels and sounds like when we issue a threat, usually when we're at the end of our rope, but we’ll dive into that in more depth today.

First, I want to introduce myself. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Susan Stiffelman. I’m a marriage and family therapist and have been for many decades. I’m also a credentialed teacher and the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and Parenting With Presence. For a long while now, I’ve helped thousands of families raise kids with more connection, confidence, joy, and ease. In this series, we explore real parenting struggles with practical solutions, all through the lenses of attachment theory, Internal Family Systems, neuroscience, mindfulness, and decades of clinical experience.

You’ll hear conversations with experts like Dan Siegel, Janet Lansbury, Mona Delahooke, Tina Bryson, Maggie Dent, and Ned Hallowell, as well as Q&A episodes where I answer questions you’ve submitted. If you’d like to go deeper, please visit my website, susanstiffelman.com, where you’ll find a newsletter and lots of masterclasses on everything from meltdowns and anxiety to chores and sibling rivalry. We also have a new class coming up on the “coach approach” for raising neurodivergent, quirky, complex kids with Elaine Taylor-Klaus, which I think many of you will find helpful. And of course, there’s a library of recordings from past classes you can access anytime.

So let’s get started. As I said, today I want to talk about threats versus boundaries—a question I’m asked about all the time. We know how it feels when we deliver a threat, and it doesn’t feel very good. For example, let’s say it’s Friday evening. You’ve reminded your 12-year-old that screen time ends at six so he can set the table for dinner. He agreed earlier, but now it’s 10 after six and he’s still playing on his iPad. You’ve asked nicely and reminded him several times, but he doesn’t budge. Frustrated, you snap: “If you don’t put that down right now, no screens for a week!” He reacts with fury, slamming things down and creating tension for the whole family. Now you’re stuck wondering whether you have to enforce the consequence you blurted out, even though you know it’ll be a huge battle. Sound familiar?

Threats usually come when we feel backed into a corner. We’ve asked nicely, empathized, negotiated, reasoned—and then our brain flips: What do I have to say to make this child move? Threats can work in the short term, but they rarely teach self-awareness, self-regulation, or responsibility. In fact, they often escalate resistance.

Boundaries are different. They’re calm, clear, decisive, and enforceable. They come from a grounded, self-led place, without anger or desperation behind the message. For example, instead of saying, “If you don’t finish your homework before dinner, no video games for a week,” (a threat), you could set a boundary: “Homework needs to be done before dinner. If it’s too hard to get it done after gaming, then we’ll save screens for the weekend.” The energy feels completely different.

This is why so much of the work I do focuses on the version of us that shows up when we’re triggered. Using IFS and other tools, we can ground ourselves, notice our triggers, and choose responses that keep us steady. A threat is hot and reactive; a boundary is cool and steady. Threats escalate disconnection, while boundaries foster connection.

One parent in my Parenting Without Power Struggles membership shared how she caught herself in the middle of a threat with her 13-year-old and switched to a boundary instead. The result was a calmer, more cooperative interaction—and she felt more like the steady captain of the ship.

Making this shift starts with noticing when you’re triggered. Take a breath, offer yourself compassion, and then decide what’s realistic and enforceable. Kids quickly detect empty threats, so being grounded and consistent matters more than being perfect. Many of us grew up in households where threats were the norm, so it takes conscious effort to parent differently. But even doing a “do-over” in front of your child models repair and accountability.

When we replace threats with boundaries, we give our kids the gift of predictability and responsibility while helping ourselves feel calmer and more in control. It transforms tense moments into opportunities for trust, connection, and cooperation.

As always, I hope you’ll take one or two ideas from today’s conversation and try them out. You’ll notice the difference—it just feels different when you set a boundary rather than issue a threat. For more support, visit susanstiffelman.com, where you’ll find resources, classes, and my upcoming workshop on coaching neurodivergent kids.

And as I say at the end of every episode: no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I’ll see you next time.