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Podcast 4:4 Manager parts

[00:00:00] Hello, hello, and welcome, welcome back to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. Over the last few episodes, I've been talking about internal family systems and the different parts that contribute to us navigating our way through the world. In a couple of the sessions, I talked about firefighter parts, which are those reactive parts that kind of rush in with a lot of very intense energy.

Like, you know, they're there to, to flood the emotional fire that might have gotten activated by something that has up- that upset us deeply, and they leave us doing or saying things that we often almost always regret. If you've been listening, then you know that it, the, the follow-up to that firefighter session was about acknowledging the wins, the successes that we log in the, in the course of a day [00:01:00] so that we can start to learn that we actually are more competent and capable than we may give ourselves credit for, and that can help calm those firefighter parts that kind of sometimes are pushed from very old, out-of-date perceptions of us and our, our capabilities.

So hopefully you've been logging your wins, noticing when you are the captain of the ship, and that's great. Keep going. So today I want to talk about another kind of protective part in this IFS model, and because firefighters are just part of the picture, and 

this is the manager. This category is the ... You know, if the firefighter's job is to put out fires after they've started, the manager has a job to try and make sure that the fires don't start.

They're proactive, right? They, they plan, they organize, they anticipate, they [00:02:00] work hard to keep things running smoothly. And we need our managers. A healthy manager is why we get school forms filled out and turned in on time. It's why our fridge still has food in it, right? It's, it's remembering how to plan for a long car ride with our children or keep a doctor's appointment.

So managers are very necessary. The question is, what's running or pushing the manager? And is, is it coming from a grounded, grown-up place inside that's, you know, moving the pieces of our life around so that things work, or are our manager parts driven by anxiety, or fear, or an old belief that something awful will happen if it loosens its grip, if it lets go even just a little bit?

A, a manager that's operating from that captain of the ship [00:03:00] grounded place, th- that's sort of keeping, keeping the trains running on time, it, that manager will plan ahead because it just helps life run more smoothly, right? And if a plan falls apart, things don't go the way you expected, you adjust. You maintain standards, but you can also let go if things aren't perfect.

You can let things be good enough

You're organized, but a little bit of chaos or a day that doesn't go as planned, it doesn't unravel you. That's a manager that's in partnership with your calm captain self, right? They're working, you know, to kinda keep things going. The captain is at the helm, at the steering wheel, and the first mate is, you know, handling the logistics, to keep with that seafaring analogy.

Things get messy [00:04:00] when the manager is not operating from that confident, grounded self, from that place that's, um, steady. And, and instead, if a manager is being driven by old fears, anxieties, insecurities, it's... can stop being helpful and start creating difficulties both inside of ourselves and in our relationships.

So the... Here's, here's a few examples. 

There's the perfectionist. I think a lot of us have this part. It doesn't just want to check your kid's homework. It, it rereads every worksheet. It corrects handwriting that's not quite good enough because somewhere underneath it believes that a mistake that is un- uncorrected will harm your child somehow.

Or their science project has a smudge on it, and you find yourself at midnight, um, wanting to redo the whole poster board just to be helpful, right? So there's a, a drive in there that things can't be [00:05:00] as they are. They have to kind of achieve a standard that is nearly impossible and can create a tremendous amount of anxiety to accomplish Then there's a controller.

This part, running on fear or anxiety, it doesn't just wanna weigh in on what your teenager wears to a, a family event. It has to approve the outfit because it's, it's afraid that if it leaves the choice up to your, your kid, somebody in the family might judge you or criticize, or criticize your daughter if it's just not deemed appropriate by everybody there.

So it's gonna control to the minutia what socks, what jewelry, you know, in some cases. Or your partner doesn't check with you before taking the kids to the park and you sort of panic 'cause you didn't authorize it or you didn't know about it, and there's something in you, this, um, manager part that just feels like it, it wasn't running the, the [00:06:00] show, and it doesn't feel comfortable with that.

Again, we don't look at these parts with judgment or shame at all. We appreciate these parts and how hard they work for us, and that sometimes they take things to this f- extreme or closer to an extreme because of an underlying insecurity or fear. And we're gonna talk about that in a minute. Then there's the over-planner, right?

This is the part that mentally rehearses what you might do if your child cries at preschool next month when you drop them off, or you've already thought through what you're gonna do or say if your son doesn't make the team, you know, two weeks before the tryouts even start. So you're, you're trying to anticipate what might happen and plan for what might happen, all the eventualities.

And then there's the people pleaser. A lot of us have that. This is the part, it doesn't just care about keeping the peace, it just can't [00:07:00] tolerate anybody being upset with you, including your child. So it stretches out bedtime when your kid begs for it. It says yes to one more show or, or five more minutes on the screen.

It, it wants to be liked. It's very important to this part that it's liked. Your manager asks... Uh, sorry, let's say, uh, your neighbor at the last minute asks if you'll watch her kids And for the afternoon, and you've planned this, you know, other day with your children, and you say yes because the thought of saying no just feels really hard.

Harder than giving up what you had hoped to have with your kids on a, on a quiet afternoon. Let's say your, your sister-in-law has very strict rules, um, for her kids that aren't really aligned with yours. You don't agree with them, but at a family gathering, you find yourself enforcing her rules on your kids so nobody feels [00:08:00] judged.

So we all have some version of many of these parts. There's plenty other manager parts. The managers have the job to do, same job, but if anxiety or insecurity or fear or discomfort or a lack of confidence or a, a deep need to be, um, accepted is fueling the behavior of those manager parts, then they stop being so much of service and they start running us and taking us off a healthy path Just like firefighters, the parts that rush in and, you know, spray water everywhere, break down doors because they have a job to do and they're gonna get it done, managers have a job to do.

And when they operate from fear, like the [00:09:00] firefighter, it's for a reason. It's usually a reason that started to take shape a long, long time ago, long before you even ... Like, you may, you may not even know why. You may have trouble connecting the dots. Why am I so perfectionistic? Or why do I care so much if people like me?

These seeds were planted long before you were thinking, "Wow, I'm becoming a perfectionist." If you grew up in a situation, for instance, where life was really unpredictable, a parent's mood could shift without warning, maybe there was addiction or mood disorders or high levels of stress or mental health issues, and love and approval felt conditional, y- and based very much on your behavior or your performance, then a manager might have been birthed to keep you safe the only way that it could, by controlling everything you did or pleasing the people around you.

If being wrong or being [00:10:00] imperfect brought painful consequences when you were young, like criticism or withdrawal or punishment, then, then that manager would learn that perfection is the price of safety, feeling safe. So it may still be operating that way today even though that danger is long gone because you're now a grownup and you can probably tolerate more than you realize when people don't approve of you or your, your performance is not at the highest level of achievement Because managers are so functional compared to firefighters, we don't really think of them as problematic in the same way we might think of the firefighter behavior, that real intense reaction that we often regret afterward.

We think of the firefighter's rage and that as a problem, but an anxious manager has costs also. Exhaustion, an inability to just relax into the moment, enjoy the moment, difficulty letting your kids [00:11:00] struggle or make their own mistakes, being rigid, being, uh, jumping through hoops, not listening to your own needs in hopes of winning favor from others.

Sometimes when an anxious manager has been working overtime for years, we're holding things together just barely, sheer force of will, and eventually we can run out of steam. We can develop, um, a hot temper. That's where the firefighter often jumps in, or illnesses or just a low level or a high level of stress that permeates every relationship we have and everything we do.

And so we pay a price for this, uh, uh, you know, anxious managers. The approach here is really similar to the firefighter. It's not to fight the part. It's not to be mad that it's there or shame it or try and get rid of it. None of those things. You need it. You need the part, but [00:12:00] to, to get curious about it, to start to learn about it, and this is the work that we're doing now in my membership programs and in my coaching, my private coaching.

I love this work so much because there's such a, a kindness. You know? There's no kind of resistance. There's no judgment. There's no gritting your teeth. There's, "Oh, there's this part. There is this part inside that is so afraid that if I don't spend money I don't really have to put really beautiful decorations in my child's teacher's classroom and make it really pretty so that the teacher will really like me and like my child, and my child will have a better chance of, of a s- good school year this year You know, we see w- w- we hardly have any kind of awareness.

This thing is sort of running on automatic. And so just to notice, oh, there's a part in there that's pushing me to spend money and go shopping and [00:13:00] really get some great decorations or, or supplies for the, for Johnny's teacher. Huh, I wonder if that's really legitimately what I feel is right, or if I'm being driven by a part that is afraid of Johnny not having a good year or not being liked by his teacher and is trying to kind of strategize.

So one of the questions when we get curious, is that manager operating from a grounded place, a confident place, a grown-up place, or is it running on fear? And if so, big question, what is a- afraid would happen if it loosened its grip, if it didn't push to do the things that it's pushing to do? That curiosity, without judgment, without shame, without feeling embarrassed about it, but just, oh, there's this part that's really pushing, strategizing, rehearsing, planning.[00:14:00] 

The more we can befriend those parts, get, get to know them, the, the more we can work with them, because usually underneath an anxious manager is the same thing that was fueling that firefighter, is a young, vulnerable part of you that learned a long, long time ago that being in control or being perfect or having people like you was how you could feel safe.

So those managers are not an- your enemy any more than the firefighter is. These are, are your friends. These are there trying to help you. But they're using an old strategy in a present day life where that strategy may not be so needed. So this week I just invite you to start noticing your own managers at work, and instead of judging them, get curious about what mode you're in.

Are you feeling they're, they're grounded, they're just being kind of getting the job done, self-assured, or they're a little frantic? [00:15:00] Um, you don't have to change anything. Just notice in the same way that we practice noticing the firefighter. Awareness is always the first step. I think I s- I said this before, and I'll say it again, I'm This season, I'm gonna be inviting people on to do some coaching with me.

If you would like to join me, please drop a line to me at support@susanstifelman.com, support@

This season, I'm going to be doing some coaching with parents just to illustrate some of these ideas. If you'd like to join me, please drop a line to me at susan@

This season I'm gonna be doing some coaching on some of the podcast episodes. If you'd like to join me, talk about something that you're working with, then drop a line to support@susanstiffelman.com. Tell me a little bit about what you'd like to talk about or explore, and maybe we'll bring you on here.

It's such a great way to bring this all to life, to hear how it unfolds when we actually start dialoguing with those parts. And if you wanna go deeper with this work, I'd love for you to check out everything that I have at susanstiffelman.com. There's a free newsletter with inspiration, [00:16:00] reminders, tips, and then of course, we have our memberships, the Parenting Without Power Struggles membership, where I answer questions from parents like you twice a month, and the Co-Parenting with a Narcissist membership community with Wendy Behary, which is so valuable and helpful.

And both of those are very affordable ways to get personal guidance. There's, of course, there's coaching, private coaching, and over 50, uh, in-depth masterclasses with people like Dan Siegel, Mona Delahooke, Gabor Maté. So check that out at susanstiffelman.com. If you're enjoying the series or finding value, if you could take a minute and leave a rating or a review, I'd be so grateful.

Share it with a friend. And just as we wrap up, j- a reminder that we are perfect as we are. We can keep growing. We can aspire to do better. We can heal. And that's so much about my work is, is about [00:17:00] healing the parts that show up as we raise our kids, because that love we feel for them inspires and motivates us to shed some of the old behaviors and patterns.

And the IFS work I have found to be tremendously helpful with that. So take a breath, maybe before you sign off, consider one or two things you heard today that you want to bring into the week ahead. Just noticing if a controlling part or a perfectionistic part an over-planning part, a perfectionist, uh, sorry, is running the show.

And then remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well, take care, and I'll see you next time