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IFS & Kids Podcast Lisa Spiegel

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. I'm Susan Stiffelman, your host, and today we're gonna talk about internal family systems and parts work. I'm excited to share it all with you. You're gonna get to hear a clip of a conversation I had with Lisa Spiegel, author of Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children and a longstanding IFS therapist, as well as the co-founder of soho Parenting in New York City.

What is IFS and why are we interested in it? Before I jump in, just a quick reminder that you can get lots of support and information@susanfelman.com. You might already know that, and you'll find out how to participate in an upcoming class I'm doing with Lisa on. Self-led kids. So check it all out there.

There's a [00:01:00] lot of masterclasses available to you. And of course here on the podcast, there's fantastic episodes. So have a look around, make sure that you're subscribed and you'll stay up to date. So let's just jump in here. I'm gonna play a clip of our conversation today where we're talking about the parts of us that exist that we wanna be on friendlier terms with.

When we. Get reactive to our kids when they do something we don't like and we feel this almost this fever of anger or this closing in and shutting down of withdrawal. It happens in a way outside of our control. We can't seem to stop ourselves even though maybe you've got a little part of you observing yourself yelling at your kids, or threatening to not let them have a sleepover for the next year.

As long as there's some space between the UU capital S, self captain of the ship and the part of you that's acting out, we [00:02:00] can start to create some healing because when we recognize we have these parts. Maybe they show up as anger or criticism, but we are not our parts, and that's such a powerful idea.

The beauty of IFS is however that it's experiential. So a lot of this might make sense to you, and it made sense to me when I began the various trainings, but it wasn't until I experienced it. What is it like to notice that there's a part that's. Shown up for me. Maybe I'm starting to be impatient or frustrated with someone, or feeling sad and hurt or closed down or afraid.

Instead of trying to push those feelings aside or intellectually talk myself out of them, there is a beautiful, powerful, transformative way of becoming [00:03:00] curious toward that part. Noticing where we feel it in our body, what its job is, what it's called to do for vulnerable parts that it may be protecting, and that kind of approach experiencing it, which is what we're gonna be doing in our 90 minute time together, Lisa and I in our class.

It carries over, it spills over into every aspect of our lives. Many of us are very hard on ourselves and we carry a lot of shame. About how we show up. Maybe we show up imperfectly and we know better. We know we've listened to the podcast, we've read the books, and why can't I be that parent? But there's a reason.

There's a reason for these parts. They have a positive intention for us. They're not there to ruin our lives or sabotage our relationships. And by becoming curious. About [00:04:00] their job and what they're doing for us and learning that model. You're gonna hear a little bit about in the clip I'm about to play, and of course in the class, then we can naturally share that with our children and what a gift that is.

I think about my childhood and what if I could have said, part of me is really excited about this sleepover and another part is really afraid and doesn't wanna go, instead of, I don't wanna go, or my stomach hurts and being told, oh, you'll have fun when you get there. This is what most of us inherited, and we're all pattern breakers.

Most of us are really working hard here to give our children different advantages and tools. So have a listen to this conversation with Elisa and then I'll come back for the wrap up. Hi Lisa. Hey Susan. So excited. We've been talking about the class we're about to do for parents helping raise self-led kids and this powerful model of internal family [00:05:00] systems can bring so much relief to parents and their children.

Can you say a little bit about it? 'cause you've been in this field working you, you've been trained and using it with parents and children for so many years. I think relief is a great word that you used because we're all, parents are just working so hard to do the best they can and so hard on themselves, and it's hard to be a kid in this world, and we're looking for a little bit more ease, a little bit more joy, and I think that the internal family systems model brings this idea.

That we all have, loving, wise, playful, compassionate, inner core. We all have it and but sometimes it gets covered over or blocked out by parts of us that get very intense. Whether we wanna be perfect or whether we're super angry about [00:06:00] something, we're frustrated, or we're a big pleaser, these parts of us develop and when we see them, not as all of us, but just as a part of us, I have a pleaser part.

I have an angry part, I have a perfectionistic part. There is a relief that comes when you don't have to identify yourself as just one thing. It just softens. It's, I'm complicated. I have a bunch of parts. I'm not just one thing and I can be a little kinder to that part of me. It must be there for a reason.

That's the thing that I love so much about IFS, is that these parts of us are there for a reason, and not just in ourselves, but in our children. The class is gonna introduce people, not just intellectually, but experientially. So there's gonna be whether you attend live or people tune in later processes that they can give it a try.

Kind of take it for a spin and see what does it feel like. To [00:07:00] become curious about the part that gets really angry or really anxious, rather than trying to shove it away or talk yourself out of it. Can you expand on that and then how that applies with our children? Yeah. I think that's, so that's what you just brought up is I think one of the central points of internal family systems is.

Rather than try to get rid of something, which I think we've all been taught, like power through it, put it away. That's our culture has taught us that this model has a D really different take. It believes you actually can't get rid of anything, and we've all probably tried and failed to get rid of an aspect of ourselves.

IFS believes in building a relationship with that thing that is difficult. So whether that's. An anxiety, your anxiety or your anger, or your, say, perfectionism or a very critical part rather [00:08:00] than just trying to squash it out of yourself, you start to develop a dialogue with it. You start to think about, okay, critical part.

Let's get to know you a little bit. Like why are you here and when did you come into my life, and what are you trying to do for me? And so rather than just squashing something that just sis and builds and you can't get rid of it, you start to have a dialogue with these parts of yourselves and then in relationship with them.

Often things soften. They soften, they relax. Yeah. They don't take over completely as much, and that's where that sort of relief comes in. Like it just doesn't have to be as incredibly hard as it often feels. And that's been my lived experience. I've been a passionate learner all my life. I've been a therapist for many decades.

I've done tons of different trainings, and when I discovered IFS, it was so beautifully overlapping with my model of being the captain [00:09:00] of the ship and being calm, connected, compassionate, clear and now that I'm in the trainings and really diving more deeply. It's changing things inside of me that make me so excited to share with parents.

Before we wrap up, I just wanna make sure parents understand that how they can bring this to their children begins with learning it for themselves. But you work with children and teens and have for many years with the IFS model. Can you say a little bit about it? Yeah. I sometimes I just feel like it's a fun, it's a great party trick.

Like I can't believe it always works, but. You, when you ask kids to try to find a part of themselves, and obviously these are kids who are coming in for therapy, so maybe they're having a difficulty separating at school or they're very withdrawn or they're aggressive, they're coming in for a reason.

So we know they're there for a purpose. And when I. Work on what's going on, what's coming up as [00:10:00] problematic, and I ask them to find that part of themselves that's angry or sad or shy or worried. They often just pop their eyes open and say, oh, it's right in my belly. And if I ask them to draw it, they can draw a picture of it or they can make it out of clay or, and they're.

They're open to understanding that they have parts of them. And so in my clinical work with children and teens, I feel like I've seen it and I've been a therapist for many decades and I've really seen a kind of softening a kind. More self-love in these kids and teens from understanding that they're made up of a lot of different parts.

Yeah. So I hope in the class we'll be able to do a little bit of experiential work. Yeah. Where parents will get a chance to find a few parts of themselves and dialogue with them a little bit so they can lead the way and guide their kids. So excited, so [00:11:00] happy we've connected and I encourage people to check out the class.

Thank you, Lisa. See you soon. Oh, and I do get excited about things, but in particular, to me, there's so much promise in bringing IFS to parents and subsequently their kids. If you look at the world around and you see how much pain so many people are in including, the chaos of, leadership that we're seeing and we were talking in our conversation today about knowing that when we raise kids who are more self-aware, more on friendly terms with all parts of themselves, they just don't wanna hurt other people. They wanna be kind and compassionate. So this is the work all of us are doing.

I hope you enjoyed the clip. I know. I'm. As you can probably tell, very excited about this work and about the session we're gonna do, and more importantly, just about the possibilities of us being self-led [00:12:00] for us as parents, as people. Our lives change when we're rooted in our true self capital s I've called it the captain of the ship, we exude that kind of calm confidence.

Compassion, curiosity. It's really game changing. So I'd love to hear what you think. And as always, if you enjoyed the episode and would take a minute to leave a review or a rating, share it with a friend. That's so helpful. Remember, you're not your anger. Neither is your child. And kids actually take to this quite naturally.

They can find the feelings in their body. They're open, and of course, as we start to work with their play, both participating and observing, we can really help un, we can understand them better and help them again. Beyond better and more understanding terms with all parts of themselves, no bad parts, which was the title of Richard [00:13:00] Schwartz first book, the originator of this approach.

So I look forward to care continuing to offer you support here in our podcast and all the classes and memberships that we offer. You can find out more@susanfelman.com and if this resonates with you, if you're curious, please have a look at the website. The page for the class itself. We always scholarship people if you can't pay the full price.

But we we try and keep it very low. Now, let's just take a moment, take a breath, connecting to your good heart, your true self, which is always there. And remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy, stay well, take care. I'll see you next time.