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Calm, Confident, Clear: Anchoring to Your Wise Self

 [00:00:00] Hey there, Susan Stiffelman here. Welcome to the Parenting Without Power Struggles podcast. Today is part of a series on internal family systems and parenting. We're gonna talk about the parts that take over when our kids push our buttons, do things that agitate our system, and how we can come back to that calm parent underneath. Let's get started When I was probably the ripe old age of about 21, graduating from college, I was the proud recipient of the Fred John Sales Student Teacher of the Year Award. And nobody had ever heard of it. I'm sure you haven't. I never had. But it spoke to, and still speaks to, my great passion, which has [00:01:00] been there from the start of my career in all the twists and turns it's taken as a teacher and then as a therapist, a writer, a coach, and it's that I love teaching.

So this podcast gives me an opportunity to share some of what I've learned in the many, many years I've been working with families, thousands of families, as a, a teacher initially, and then as a marriage and family therapist, and of course I've written a couple of parenting books and built a community online of parents who turn in my direction for support and guidance, whether it's in a membership or it's just in my newsletters which come for free.

You're welcome to get them at susanstiffelman.com. I've taken a step back because- I got very deeply involved in a, in a 91-hour training in internal family systems, a training for therapists. I've been diving into that [00:02:00] approach, incorporating it into my private coaching with parents and in my membership programs.

And wanted to kind of reintroduce myself to you and introduce some of the ideas in IFS, internal family systems, as I'm understanding them. Been using it for quite a while now, but the formal training really solidified so many of these ideas and understandings. And, and I'm just gonna give you sort of the, the initial overview, and that is this.

We are all, in our heart of hearts, in our true self, whole and perfect. We're not anxious, we're not angry, we're not frustrated, we're not sad, we're not wounded. That is sort of if you imagine the, the overlord of who we are, it's im- impenetrable. It's imp- it's, it's in its perfect state, untouched by the, the obviously many challenging experiences that most of us [00:03:00] encounter in our lives.

But this capital S Self is the essence of who we are, and we carry it with us all the time. This model beautifully overlaps with my personal views about life and spirituality and who we are. I've meditated the whole of my life since I was about 16 and discovered Autobiography of a Yogi. It's been a central part of my life to go within and to anchor and tether myself to something beyond the, the ripples and the waves of the surface life, and I'm so grateful for that.

In internal family systems, that, that self, our true self, is, is what we want to anchor ourselves to more and more, and that's a process. And I'm loving bringing this more and more to parents. You're welcome to join our community. Just visit susanstiffelman.com. There's a newsletter [00:04:00] there. There's lots of offerings.

You can check them out. There's a, there's memberships where I meet with parents and answer questions. There's lots of support. A lot of it is free. In the meanwhile, I want to just invite you to consider s- one of the core ideas of this model, the internal family systems model, which is we have this grown-up, wise, healthy self, capital S Self- The more we allow that to dictate the choices that we make to run our life, and in, in the world of parenting, I have often referred to that long before I knew about IFS.

It was the same concept that the captain of the ship, and I used words that are used to describe this self in the internal family systems model. I used words like calm, confident, compassionate, courageous, clear. Those words describe [00:05:00] the ideal version of us as we show up with our children. Our child might be upset or frustrated or angry, and when we show up as that calm, present self or captain of the ship- We can be curious about what's going on, we can feel compassion for our child and the predicament they're in, without feeling this overpowering, um, drive to make things better, to fix them, to explain why they shouldn't be upset or why we got mad or why they can't have what they want.

When we're anchored to that captain of the ship, that true self of ours, it's so comforting to our kids. Because it's comforting to anybody. When, when you encounter someone who is fully inhabiting their, their best self, their true self, our shoulders drop, our stomach, the knot in the stomach [00:06:00] loosens.

There's something so comforting and relaxing. We feel safe. We feel safe in the presence of someone who is anchored to their self self. And conversely, when a protective part of us takes over, we get really activated, triggered, our child is ignoring us, they're refusing to, to do what they ask, they're teasing or hurting a sibling.

And parts of us, they're called protective parts, kick in. They want to fix the problem. They don't care about the cost necessarily. They want the child to obey. They want the child to be happy. They want the child to stop bothering their little brother. And adapt or use behaviors that may get the job done short-term, but long-term create disconnection, remove a sense of safety and closeness with our child.[00:07:00] 

This is particularly true when we're really activated, something our child is doing is really activating or reactivating an old hurt inside that we carry, perhaps from childhood, from our own childhood. And we come out guns blazing and scream, yell, punish, threaten, withhold love, pull away. And again, in the IFS model, that is the work of our protectors.

They don't want us to re-experience old familiar pain, maybe being rejected, being ignored, being disrespected. So they will do what they can with whatever force it seems necessary to make that behavior in our child stop. However, it of course comes at a price. So if you follow my work or you'd like to follow my work, I, [00:08:00] I would love to kind of bring you along on this journey of- Becoming more and more comfortable staying anchored to our captain self, our true self.

And doing the work, which is such beautiful work, to address the protectors, not push them away, not trying to, you know, muffle them. They're, they're there for a good reason. They always have a, a positive intention. But honoring and appreciating them when we can, or being curious about what they're up to when they come out with so much force And we can help them see that we, the grown-up self we now are, can help those young parts that have gotten reactivated.

I don't want to get too conceptual here. I don't want to go off on a lot of complicated tangents about this model. I, I [00:09:00] really want to convey both in sort of a, a basic way verbally, um, but also just in the, the read between the lines, that there is a way, regardless of what we struggle with from our own childhood, the, the challenges that we bring, maybe stressors in our present-day life, we feel so exhausted, unsupported, unappreciated, people let you down, your kids aren't appre- aren't grateful for all the things you're trying to do for them.

It's sort of a recipe for these parts of us to take over and try and kind of shake the system so that we aren't suffering, we aren't re-experiencing pain that's sadly probably very familiar from a long time back. So I hope you'll engage with this podcast. I'd love to hear from you. Just write support@susanstiffelman.com if I've, [00:10:00] you know, intrigued you or something I'm saying has piqued your interest about either IFS or just parenting.

I want this to be a really great, um, resource for you. I've had a very long career doing so much work that I love, and I'm really keen to, to make use of all the things I've learned with thousands of people to help you all. I know there's AI, there's so many resources available now where you can ask a question and get an answer, but I don't think anything will ever replace having interactions and support from a human being who cares, and I do.

I care about how you're doing, how your kids are doing. I know what's possible, the healing that can happen, often because our kids are what Richard Schwartz, the author of, uh, the founder of IFS, your tormentor. So they are your mentor, but they're [00:11:00] also your tormentor, and this is what I wrote about in my second book, the book I wrote with Eckhart Tolle's imprint, um, Parenting with Presence, that nothing will help you grow and transform like raising kids, 'cause our hearts are so invested.

And boy, stuff gets stirred up. So- My invitation is stay connected, let me know how, how I can be of help, how I can be of service. I did a, a class a couple years ago with Gabor Mate, and at the very end I said, "Okay, so what would you like to say as you sum up?" And he said, "The most important thing that a parent can do," pause, pause, pause, dramatic pause, "is work on yourself."

And that's always been what I'm about. I love that he said it, because so often we're looking for the script or the way to say this to our child or get them to do that. The more we work on ourself, we heal those places that get activated that sabotage our efforts to [00:12:00] show up with presence, not by feeling bad or guilty or any of those things, no room for that, but by, with a lot of, uh, curiosity and compassion, exploring what that's about and learning how to show up in ways that, that our children will respond to that doesn't kind of activate their resistance.

And that's sort of the business I've been in for a very long time, parenting without power struggles. So I'm glad you're here. I'd love for you to share this, uh, episode with someone you care about. You can again write Susan Stiffelman at, uh, support@susanstiffelman.com is at the website. Let me know what you'd, what kind of support you'd like, and if you wanna come on an episode for some coaching, let me know.

support@susanstiffelman.com, and I look forward to us staying in, in touch. And thanks, guys, for tuning in and for doing the most important work in the world, raising your beautiful kids. So as [00:13:00] we wrap up, remember, no matter how busy life gets, look for those moments of sweetness and joy. Stay well. Take care.

I'll see you next time.